Did I Scare The Cop Away?

Dear Blackman,

I met a guy who's a police officer. We dated only a few days and I was emotionally snared to him. I submitted myself completely to him. I wondered why he didn't call or text me in a day. After a few days, he never showed up. He didn't answer my text or calls. I sent him messages with all my negative comments about him but he still he never responded. I'm becoming so weak being completely hurt about what happened. He's just fooling me but now hatred still in me. How can I move on?

Gurl


The Black Man:


Hi Gurl,

I feel the issue here is that you came on to strong. You just met this person and you became clingy to him so fast in which most likely completely turned him off.

You don't need to bombard someone with phone calls, texts, etc. after you first meet a person. Also sending negative messages to try and bait him to respond is not a good move at all. It is showing that your playing games and that can be a total turn-off to most people.

There is no need to hate someone especially someone you just met. I know he not reaching out to you may hurt you but it was a person you just met so emotionally I think you can get over it and move on.

Next time I suggest be a bit more patient and let a situation evolve rather than trying to go all in within a few days.

Good luck.

TBM

Does Unprotected Sex Validate Trust?

Hello Black Man:

I have been seeing a man off and on for about 2 years. We’ve always used condoms, no question from either of us on that. The last few times he has not used one. I asked him why he has not used one and he responded that it wasn’t a big deal. I just don’t know why now he’d stop wearing one. It’s like now he trusts me, and he didn’t before. I’m not sure of his motives. Any advice or ideas will help me out.

Ms. Confused


The Black Man:

Hi Ms. Confused,

I know I am probably preaching to the choir but I have to say it: Safe sex is the best way to go.

Unprotected sex does not validate trust in a relationship. There are many ways that this can be view. If you guys have been seeing each other on and off there is the possibility that since you guys have been just seeing each other that you have both have slept with other people. Sometimes when some feels like they are going to be monogamous that it is okay to not use protection. That’s not necessarily the case in this matter.

It could be basically that he wanted to do it “raw”. No matter what angle or thought process he had in regards to it, it takes two to tango and you should be safe about it.
Don't feel the unprotected sex is a payout factor or end result of trust. That can be extremely delusional.

That's my 99 Cents worth.


TBM

Is a Straight " Wil And Grace" Relationship Possible?

Dear Black Man,

Is it truly possible to have a straight version of the "Will n Grace" relationship? I'm a 32 Black Female; I'm at that content phase right now. I just want something along the lines of all in one without the sex. Is what I'm asking realistic? Thank you for your honesty.

BJ Noir


The Black Man:

Hi BJ Noir,

It is absolutely possible to have a male friend that is truly just a friend. You would be surprised that there are a lot of men that appreciate a woman who is just the "homie" who you can just hang out with and there is no sex involved.
A lot of men do like to have female that they can chill with at times and can also get a woman perspective on certain things.
You have to be clear at the beginning and follow you gut on what you feel the guy's motive is. As with any type of relationship dealing with either gender there always can be alternative motives.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.


TBM

Is There Someone Out There For Me?

Hi TBM,

I am a 40-year-old African-American woman and that is very lonely. I want a companion to love me for me, to hold me when I need to be held, an ear to listen when I need someone to talk to, someone to do things with like traveling movies dining out walks in the park etc. Also I want someone to make love to me instead of me masturbating.

I can't seem to meet anyone. I tried on line dating, blind dates, going out alone to bars, clubs, the vibe phone chat line at work going to single meet up groups (no one approaches me) etc. It never works out either the guy no longer is interested when I do meet someone or the blind date does not like me. I have even done one-night stands. I'm tall; slim, with very small breasts, not a big butt, but kind of pretty in the face. These days I see men looking curvaceous women. I don't know what to do. I feel like no one wants me. I just want your advice. Thank you.

From Anonymous.


The Black Man:

Hi Anonymous,

It sounds like you need a little bit of a confidence booster. You have to feel good about yourself if you want someone to feel good about you.

This confidence does not just have to stem from dating someone. It can be other things such as accomplishing personal goals, treating yourself to things you like, being inspired and inspiring others. Feel good and your radiate that energy around you.

Also, go out with a group of people sometimes instead of just by yourself to go meet men. If you don't have friends that go out then join some groups that involve some hobbies that you like. Become active in some good organizations.

There is someone out there for you. All men don't just like big breasts and big asses so you can remove that from your mind. The last time I looked most of the people that are on the big screen and in runways don't have large bosoms and butts.

They key is to have confidence and be clear on exactly what you want. Be patient and it will come to you. You truly have to be open and ready for what you ask for.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear TBM,

I've been in a relationship with 'John' for almost 3 years. Just to give you some background, within a few months of us being together we moved in together because of our circumstances. I was living with a dingy roommate and he was living with his ex-girlfriend and her new man. In hind- sight, I should have let go of him then but I didn't really know all of the details. Well we started having issues about 6 months into the relationship. He was still talking to his ex. She sent him naked pictures and was talking about how she missed him and will always love him. This went on and off up until this year. The last instance is when he made up a secret e-mail account to email her. I've tried to leave before but we live together and it isn't as easy to just get up and leave. It's been six months since the last altercation and I thought since he has said he was done with all of the drama that we could move forward. I tried to forget it but somehow that topic of his ex always comes up in conversations. Either his friends or family will bring it up and I feel like it's been 3 years. Why is this still a topic of conversation? Why doesn't it just go away? My dilemma is I can't seem to forget and I can't stop feeling resentment towards him for pretty much choosing the ex's feelings over mine. He even brings her up in conversation at awkward times. I truly don't care about the ex-girlfriend situation. I just can't get past the fact that he lied and hid things from me for so long. I think I may have to just cut my losses and just cut it off and see what happens. I do really love him. I can say if it came down to it, he is the person that I would rather be with over anybody. I'm not confident that he feels the same, though he always says he does. Should I figure out how to get over this anger that I have towards him or just leave?

Scared Love


The Black Man:


Hi Scared Love,

I feel you basically answered your question while writing about this whole scenario. You need to get up and leave. You both need space. When you entered the relationship it was not a healthy situation. He just got of a relationship and was living with her. It is not wise to just jump from one relationship to the next.

Another issue was moving in together. Even if the two of you had good synergy it is not smart to move in with someone just because your living situation may not be working out. A lot of relationships get damaged because of this. You should move in with one another because you authentically want to be together, not because you are in a bad living predicament. That does not normally give your relationship a chance to flourish in the proper fashion.

You guys need your own personal space. Living with someone that you resent is not healthy. If something can be rectified from the relationship it more than likely will happen by you both living apart at this point.

That is my 99 Cents worth. Good Luck.

TBM

I Have Never Enjoyed Sex. How Can I Change It?

Hi Blackman,

I really don’t enjoy sex and I never have. I really feel like I am missing out. I am totally happy and relaxed with the guy I am with and I have never had any trauma involving sex like abuse, rape, etc. I don’t understand why everyone else seems to have a great sex life and I don't. Please help.

Thank you,

Laura


The Black Man:


Hi Laura,

A key component in having a good sex life is knowing yourself and what you like. Get to know your own body and what stimulates you. I suggest masturbating if you have not been already. You can do it manually or go purchase a toy to help discover what pleases you.

If that does not help then I would suggest going to a sex therapist that could help you get to the root of the issue.

Good luck in resolving the matter.


TBM

Is It Hard To Get A Man To Commit?

Dear Blackman,

Is it hard to get a man to commit? Does that mean he's less likely to cheat on his wife once he DOES commit?

L Boogie


The Black Man:


Hi L Boogie,

First off, you can’t get a man to commit. A man or woman for that matter makes the choice on his or her own to make a commitment. When you go into a situation thinking you can make someone do something, is not a smart approach. I think that timing has a lot to with commitment. Just like in most relationships timing and communication are key factors for them to be successful. You also have to happy with yourself, clear on what you want and on the same page with your partner.

If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Some people are just meant to be open relationships if it works for them. Others cheat because they are not fully happy with themselves or in the relationship that they are in. They also may not know what they really want. You must go within and figure out what makes you happy.

I hope this gives you a good perspective.

TBM