Ask The Black Man

Why Do People Still Have An Issue With White and Black People Dating?

2011-10-26T12:12:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I'm almost eighteen years old and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He's black and a year a half older than me. I don't have a problem with his skin color. I love his skin color just as I love him. But I've noticed that there are a lot of people still out there who have a problem with black and white people dating. None of my friends have a problem with it and most of my family is very accepting. But why is there so much hate on the internet and from other people in society for it? I'm not really angry about it. I just don't understand why. I know we're young but my boyfriend and I are moving in together as soon as I graduate high school and want a future together. I know I'll have to deal with racism my whole life, especially if I have kids with him. It's not going to stop me from being with him. To me, we are all apart of the human race. Not individual separate races. We're all human. I know everyone does not have this opinion. I just want to know why so many people have been rude when we've gone to the grocery store together. And why there are so many blogs and stuff online against black and white people being together. I even saw one that went as far as to say that "only a greasy haired fat white woman with a low self worth would ever even consider dating a black man." I just want to know why so many people still have a problem with this today.

M&M

Ask The Black Man:

Hi M&M,

Love has no color or boundaries. People who do not accept black and white people being together are just ignorant. It is great thing that you are taking a stand for your relationship. That takes a lot of courage. Some people would not be in a relationship with someone from another race because they would be afraid of what people think rather than acting what they truly feel.

Prejudice is a learned behavior and it is unfortunate that a lot of people have learned to dislike people solely of a persons’ skin color. It’s still going on because some parents and other people are still teaching kids that not to like a race of people for no valid reason. People are only limiting themselves by having that mindset. Because of jealousy, ignorance, and hatred in this world that is why this problem still exists in this world today.

Good luck with your relationship.

ATBM

Was leaving him the right thing to do?

2010-12-09T13:18:00.002-05:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

My boyfriend and me are expecting a child soon. We love each other but recently I decided to end our relationship. We live far from each other and we haven’t really been talking lately. He asked me to move in with him but I want to get my life together before I try to start one with him. Also, we have jealousy issues. If a guy looks at or talks to me he is ready to fight but, his many of his friends are girls who openly flirt with him and he flirts back. If I get upset about it he acts like I am being irrational. The stress from me being pregnant and the girls and the distance between us just got to be a little too much. I’m in love with him and he says he loves me too and, he's not taking this as well as I thought he would. He seems to really be hurt and I'm hurting from this as well. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the wrong decision. Should I take him back or should we remain broken up?
-Confused

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Confused,

It is always tough to be away from someone that you love. In this case you both need to work on some issues before figuring out if it makes sense to get back together. I feel that relationship counseling would be a great thing for the both of you to do if you are really committed in working out your situation. You must get to the core of the issues and create a solution for it. These issues may be things you both have to deal with on an individual basis that may have nothing to do with you being together. Someone who specializes in this field of work must determine this.
My suggestion is to continue talking to one another but don’t jump the gun and get back together. That is not going to solve anything and you will more than likely fall back into the same cycle of drama that you have been previously experiencing. Meeting with a relationship therapist can help break that cycle.

That’s My 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

I Am A 53 Year Old Man. Why Can't I Find A Date?

2010-12-08T14:20:00.003-05:00

Dear Mr. Ask The Black Man,

I am a 53-year-old man who has not had a date in the last few years. When I meet women and when they find out I am 53 and they tell me that I am too old. Most of the women I meet feel the age difference which can be from 3 years to 10 years younger is too much or the women that are my age want someone who 10 years younger than me. I am a very active man, still look good, who is not bald has all of his teeth and stands 5’9” and weighs 180 lbs., successful in my career and who doesn’t live at home with Mama. What am I doing wrong here and why can’t I find a woman who will accept me as I am?

Thanks,

Mr. Bjolds

Ask The Black Man:

Hi Mr. Bjolds,
Do not get down on yourself nor blame yourself for doing something wrong. You are not too old to date. I know people in their sixties that are actively dating. Have you ever explored using on-line dating sites? There are sites like singleseniorsmeet.com and singlepeoplemeet.com that can possibly cater to what you want. Also, where have you been meeting all of the women that you are giving these excuses? Let’s get to the basics. What is the age range of the women that you would like to date? Be clear about the type of woman that you want and put that out into the universe.
I suggest attending some community related events. They usually have more of an intimate atmosphere to have conversations with people. If you have a particular hobby look on line for group events that focus on that hobby. In being apart of that group there is already a common ground of something that you like so that makes it easy for you to talk to someone.
Traveling is also a good way to meet someone. People are in a more relaxed, open mood. Look to see if there are any singles cruises that encompass your age range.
I feel there are many avenues in which you can meet women. You just have to expand your horizon and try new places to do so. Lastly, always be patient, confident, and most importantly be yourself.

Good Luck.

ATBM

Why Do Most Married Men Don't Wear Their Rings?

2010-12-02T11:29:00.003-05:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

Why is that married men don’t wear their wedding rings? This occurs especially with men in high profile positions. Would you please explain?

-Delta

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Delta,

I feel you are making a really broad generalization here. So many married men wear their rings with pride. If there are some that don’t then maybe there could be understanding between he and his spouse as to why he doesn’t. There are probably some that just don’t maybe for selfish reasons. Who Knows? Even if that's the case you can’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch.

In regards to high profile married men not wearing their rings, the last time I looked the highest profile man in the United States, President Barack Obama, wears his wedding ring. Again, you can’t make a judgment on all men.

I feel in our society the “ring” has more of significance to a woman then a man. Women pick out their dream ring and put a lot of meaning in the ring they more than men do. Perhaps if there was a mutual feeling with this than it may be different. Also, some men don’t like to wear rings in general.

Lastly, my question to you is: Is it the ring that makes the marriage or is it the actual communion between the two people?

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

Where Can I Find A Good Man?

2010-12-01T15:41:00.002-05:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I'm 27 and a single parent. I don't do the club scene, because I’m tired of seeing the same heads in there. For some reason I always meet up with the same type of men. They mostly lie about whether they are living with their baby mama; married, engaged or they have a girlfriend. Is that all that is out there? I think I am a pretty good catch: I am honest woman, pay my own bills, cook, clean, take care of my kid and myself...why is t hard to find someone that is real. I'm not looking for anyone that is perfect because I am far from it but I would just like to meet someone that is going to appreciate me for who I am. So tell me Ask The Black Man what's really going on? I need some insight on all this.

-Losing Hope

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Losing Hope,

This is an issue that both women are having. I feel the root of situation starts from within yourself if these are the same type of men you are encountering. There are plenty of men out there that are single, honest, and successful. You must cut the cycle of dating these other type of men. My question to you is where are you meeting the men you date? A suggestion is to go to some professional mixers or events where the chance of meeting type of men you have been dating in the past is much lower.

Lastly, the best advice I can give you is be clear on what you want in a man. Write down all of the qualities that you want in man. Be VERY specific. In many instances women are not clear with themselves in what they want in a man. Spell it out. Also open your self to meet that person and be patient. Focus on making your self-happy first and the right person will come along in time.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

Does the Man or Woman Do The Most Work In Bed?

2010-09-08T13:59:00.004-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I was having a friendly debate with my wife on who does more work between the sheets. Of course I think that that man does most of the work but my wife begs to differ. I want to get your perspective on this. Who do you think puts in the most work?

-Alex

The Black Man:

Hi Alex,

There is not one answer to this because it all depends on what you are doing between the sheets. If a couple is prone to just doing the missionary position I would probably say the man is doing most of the work even though a woman can be very active in that position. I have had conversations with many men they do feel that they are do most of the work in that position because a lot (not all) women tend to just lay there.

On the flip side (no pun intended) if the woman is on top most time in a cowgirl or reverse cowgirl position she is more prone to be doing most of the work even though a man can be very active from the bottom as well.

Of course there are many other positions and fetishes that can be done in bed it just depends on what you doing in bed and what you are into to determine the balance of the workload.

Lastly, the work can extend outside of the bed in creating an ambiance for if you are into any role-play activities; if so you may want to keep that in mind as well when you are having this debate. Some situations can take a lot of thought, time, and effort.

At the end of day you both should be concerned on pleasing each other rather than being concerned with whom is doing most of the work.

Thanks my 99 Cents Worth,

TBM

Was I Right To Sue My Friend?

2010-08-30T11:36:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I have a friend that we have been close for about 15 years. I actually considered him a brother to me. He had business that he partnered up with a few other people in which I helped him out a lot with it. A situation was worked out in which his company would pay me as independent contractor. Things were cool at the beginning but then I was not getting paid on the regular like I was before. I was owed about 3,000 dollars. I know the company was not making a lot of money but I still felt I should have been getting paid. I spoke to my friend about it and he said that he would work on getting it resolved. Time went on and it still was not resolved. I sat down with him again and he explained it was a rough times overall with the business and with him personally but he would work it out even if it came out of his own pocket doing monthly payments. A few months passed and I was sent a minimal amount of money that I did not feel acceptable so I rejected it. I was really hurt by this whole situation so I stopped speaking to him and decided to sue him.
We still do not speak and do miss our friendship. Did I do the right thing?

Aaron

The Black Man:

Hi Aaron,

Mixing business with pleasure can wind up getting really sticky at times in which seems to be the case in this situation. It is unfortunate that it had to get to this point. I can’t say that you were right or wrong in this circumstance. It just depends on which lens you are looking at the situation through and what means more to you. If you are looking it from strictly a business perspective then if he did not honor your agreement you had a valid case in doing so. My question to you is did you just sue him or did you sue the company or all parties involved? If you just solely sued him then I feel that was not the proper thing to do. You should have sued the company or all of the parties involved. The agreement was not solely with your friend even though it seems like that person you knew the best.

If you are looking at the situation through the lens of a friend, you would have to weigh what meant more to you, your friendship him or getting paid the money. Three thousand dollars is a substantial amount of money but was it worth losing a friend. He did say he was going through some issues so that is something to think about. I feel that materialistic items and money can be replaced but good friends and family can’t be replaced. You have think about what meant more to you. If getting money meant more to you can you are comfortable with the situation then you can say that you made the right decision for you. If not then you may have to rethink the actions you took.

Lastly, even through tough times if you guys are true friends you guys will speak again at some point.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth on the situation.

TBM

Am I Wrong To Ask My Wife To Cook For Me?

2010-08-23T10:17:00.003-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I have been married for a couple of years to a wonderful woman. I love her very dearly and she makes me very happy. She’s loving, caring, loyal, spiritual, and traditional. She has all of the qualities that I like in a woman. I take care of her to the fullest where I handle all of the expenses and she is able to stay home and do whatever she wants and we have no kids so there is no overwhelming burden for her. I work very hard for our future and us. The one issue I have is that she does not cook. She actually does not really know how to very well. I asked her to learn and even said I would help her and she always say she will take me up on my offer or take lessons but she never has done it.
I don’t ask for much from her but one thing I would like after working a long, hard day is to have a nice home cooked meal. Am I asking for too much from her to learn how to cook? What should I do?

-Dan

The Black Man:

Hi Dan,

I don’t feel that what you are asking your wife to do is unreasonable especially if you are taking care of everything that you mentioned. If she even agreed to learn how to cook and has never followed through, perhaps she has some sort of fear or issue with learning that she has not mentioned. Have you ever asked her that?

Regardless if she were to cook for you or not, she should know how to cook for herself. You should know how to survive. Does she just normally eat out all of the time?

Lastly, if you wife bases her life on traditional values then it is extremely surprising that she never learned how to cook and would not take the steps to learn how to. It seems like you are doing your part on the “traditional” values of marriage and she should be doing hers.
It is only fair. Have and open and candid conversation with her about this so there is no resentment that grows in your marriage.

Good Luck.

TBM

Did I "Do It" Too Soon?

2010-08-18T15:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I met someone on Black Planet website. We went out for dinner and immediately hit it off. I kissed on the first date ... ugggggh… I couldn’t resist because there were so many sparks. The conversation was great. Dinner was excellent. It was amazing time. After the date he never called. I finally got a hold of him about 5 days later and asked him to go to dinner. Instead I went to his place and he cooked for me. Guess what happened? Yes ... we "did it." It was kind of planned on both of our parts I guess we both really wanted it and I know better. Now I am afraid he will never call me again and I really like him a lot. Not that it matters but he’s black and I am white and we’re both professionals and 40 years of age. He drives me crazy. What should I do?

S&M

The Black Man:

Hi S&M,

It does seem like it was a little bit too soon for you to sleep with him since you really like him and there was no mutual clarity in your situation. I know it can be hard to control your emotions especially when you have strong feelings for someone and the sexual energy is in the air. My question to are did he have a good reason for not calling you after your first date? You don’t want to be hung out there like a cat on a string chasing this guy and set up for disappointment and possibly just be used for sex. In this case I would wait to see if he reaches out to you. If he reaches out and you hang out again I would take it slow. If he does not I would cut your loss early, get over it and move on. You can always look at it from the bright side if he does not call you at least you know from the beginning what we was about rather than investing a lot of time in the situation.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

TBM

Am I Wrong To Want To Marry Someone Not In My Race?

2010-08-17T12:12:00.003-04:00

Dear TBM,

All of my life I have dated people of color and have always felt that the person I would marry would be a person of color. Last year I met a white guy that knocked me off my feet. I have fallen head over heals in love with this guy. I know that this is the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
My family likes him but are strong believers in marrying within your race. I don't want to disappoint my family but I also want to do what makes me happy. Am I wrong for wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man?

-Chocolate Swirl

The Black Man:

Hi Chocolate Swirl,

If feel that you are being a little hard on yourself for wanting to be with someone your love that is not in your race. If your family likes him already I can't foresee them not liking him if you decide to marry him. There are lot of people that get married for the wrong reasons and simply neglect main reasons why two people should get married which is because they love each other and make each other happy.
So if that is this is the person that you feel does that then go for it and everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck,

TBM

What is your best advice for lethargy in life relationships and motivational passion to pursue worldly goals?

2010-08-11T14:42:00.001-04:00

Dear Blackman,

What is your best advice for lethargy in life relationships and motivational passion to pursue worldly goals?

-VH

The Black Man:

Hi VH,

My first suggestion is to create a list of your goals so then you can then create a guideline and timeline to complete your goals. Second, you should create a team around you that can help you achieve your goals and keep you motivated. For example, if your goal is to be a millionaire then you should start surrounding yourself around millionaires or people that know how to make money. Even ask someone that is a millionaire if they are willing to be your mentor. Most people who are successful in something like to share their experience and knowledge with someone who is trying to achieve what they have done.

No one can achieve something on their own some it is always good to create a good team around you. Make sure to have that person(s) that can motivate you when you are in that lethargic mood. Also I feel it is important to have people that are not afraid to tell you truth even if it hurts or oppose a view that you may have. It is not good to have a bunch of “Yes” people in your camp. It may take a while to formulate your camp but when you do the sky is the limit. It’s also not always an easy road to reach your goals but if you stay focused, have patience, and do not give up; your percentages are high to achieve what you aspire to do.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Should I have Lent My Boyfriend Money?

2010-06-29T12:02:00.004-04:00

Hello Ask The Black Man,

I need a man's opinion on a situation. Recently my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me over money. Well before I go any further let me give you a snippet about me. I am 25 years old, a recent college graduate, I work full time and I'm a single mother of four-year-old twins. I fell hard for this guy who is younger than me. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. Early on in the relationship I got pregnant but we decided not to go through with the pregnancy because financial reasons and also the fact that we had only been together for a short period of time. I told him I think it would be best if we enjoy us, before we bring a baby into the picture. You know get to know one another a little more. I went ahead and did the abortion although a part of me didn't want to. Our relationship started to take a turn after the abortion. He wasn't there for me at all. He would hang with "the homies." He would stand me up all the time; say he was on his way and would never call or show up. I would cook him dinner and wait up for him until the wee hours of the night. I was starving for quality time with him. Then he got his car towed and needed $350 to get it out. We were both doing bad financially. My air conditioner went out on my car plus my windows wouldn't roll down. All this happened just when summer was beginning. So my babies and me were suffocating. I was in so much debt that I couldn't pay my rent, no food in the house; so I went and took out a loan from my 401K. I told him I did, so I guess he looked at it as if I had the money to loan him. I had only taken out enough to get me out of my financial rut. Something was telling me not to let him borrow it because he never keeps his word. Do you feel I was in the wrong? I've given men in my past large amounts of money and I've always been the one struggling. He basically told me I let my past determine my future. But all I kept thinking about is my kids. I don't know... I've been beating myself up, crying and not eating. Should I have loaned a man I've been dating for 5 months $350 when he's not a man of his word?
-Dotty

The Black Man:

Hi Dotty,

You did the right thing by not lending him the money. Actions speak louder than words and his actions in now way deserving of you lending him money. If he has not been giving you the respect that you deserve and has not been there for you then why should you bend over backwards to help him out.
Be careful on who you engage with and protect yourself especially in the bedroom. If you would have had that kid your life could have been in extreme distress. Take you time when meeting someone.

That's my 99 Cents Worth

TBM

If Can't Visualize Something Does That Mean I Do Not Really Want It?

2010-06-08T12:25:00.002-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I’ve been trying a visualization technique that I recently learned that is supposed to be able to help me to get my wish granted. The technique requires that you first write out what you want in as much detail as possible. Then you are supposed to visualize getting the wish granted, what it feels like, etc. This part should last about 20 minutes.

I was able to write out the wish in great detail, but I cannot seem to visualize what I want for longer than a minute. Every time I try, I get distracted or I drift off. I tried sitting in perfect silence, sitting on the floor, waiting until I went to sleep to try and imagine it. I got nothing.

I’m wondering, is an inability to visualize what you want a sign that you don’t really want what you thought you did?

Carla

The Black Man:

Hi Carla,

The technique you are practicing is a great one to use. It is the power of intention. Just like most new things you try, you don't pick it up and master it right away. It takes practice to do so. Stay committed to doing it and it will happen.

Just because you don't visualize it now does not mean that you don't want it. Have patience and keep working it. Once again practice, commitment, and faith are the best tools to achieve what you want.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Is It Possible For A Man To Fake An Orgasm?

2010-06-07T06:51:00.001-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I have been dating this guy for a while and we get along really well. We recently just started having sex. I really enjoy it but I am not sure I am pleasing him. A few times he has been in bed after he "climaxed" and he is still fully erect and then got up and said he had to go to the bathroom and was in there for a while. My gut feeling is that he was in there "finishing off the job". I never thought about it before but is it possible for men to fake orgasms?

-Suzanne

The Black Man:

Hi Suzanne,

Yes, it is possible for men to fake orgasms. I am not sure in this case if he is doing that or not but it is possible. Just how some men may not please a woman in bed, the same goes for women not pleasing men in the bedroom at times.
The best thing you can do is just ask him if he had an orgasm or not. If he did not reach an orgasm then ask him what he likes and does not like in bed. It's not the end of the world. You guys just started having sex so it may take time for you to click together.

Communication is the best solution.

I hope this advice helps.

TBM

I Just Went Through A Rough Divorce. How Do I Get My Confidence Back?

2010-06-04T11:31:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Blackman,

I have recently got through a rough divorce with my ex-wife. I caught her cheating on me. I want to move on with my life and start dating people. My confidence is not where it used to be to do so. Can you give me any advice on how to do so?

-Lost In Space

The Black Man:

Hi Lost In Space,

What you are going through is probably a really rough phase emotionally. I suggest giving yourself some time to go through the motions of this and heal the wounds of the past relationship. Sometimes only the hands of time is the best remedy for this.
If you are looking to date I strongly recommend keeping it light and do not get into anything serious for a while. Have fun and enjoy the company of your dates.

To meet people to date I suggest going to events where you can mingle with people on a communal level so it is easy for you to engage with people like mixers, cocktail parties, etc.

If you have any hobbies join some groups that partake in those particular hobbies. You can also join some on line dating sites that make it easier to meet people.

Give it some time and be open and you should have you mojo back in due time.

Good Luck.

TBM

How Do I Love Someone Besides My Family?

2010-06-03T15:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

How do you teach yourself to love someone when you do not know how to love anyone else other than my family?

-O

The Black Man:

Hi O,

I don't feel there is a way to teach yourself how to love someone that is something you are born with. Love no matter what type it is (Plutonic, romantic, parental etc.)
is an emotion that you always posses. Depending upon circumstances that happen in your life it can be stifled but you still have it.
Have you been in a romantic relationship and something traumatic ever occured?
Most people who can't identify to this emotion have been hurt in some way in the past that triggers their mind to submerge that feeling so that feel that level of hurt again.

A level of trust could have also been broken that made it tough for you to even trust someone to love them in that fashion.

I would suggest seeking counseling to get to the root of the matter.

Good luck and I hope you can work it out.

TBM

My Friends' Sister Is Hitting On Me. What Should I Do?

2010-06-02T15:06:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I was at a wedding not too long ago for one of my buddies from college. It was a great time. One of his sisters asked for my information because she wanted to talk to me about something based on the career that I am in. I gave her my information and a few days later she called me. Instead of asking me about something job related she asked to hang out and go on a date and said she wants nothing serious. She is extremely attractive but do not see anything-long term with her. I also do not feel right about it because it my friends' sister. Something like this has never happened to me. What should I do?

-Confused Terrence

The Black Man:

Hi Confused Terrence,

Most situations that deal with dating a friends' sibling without any serious intentions, do not end up with positive results. They mostly lead to drama and friendships can be severed because of it. If you are not looking for anything serious with her, even though she is not either, it is not worth it. I would date someone else. There are plenty of fishes out in the sea. Go with your gut. If it does not feel right then don't do it.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

Should I Wait Or Should I Move On?

2010-06-01T12:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for a year. We have amazing chemistry in all aspects of our relationship (conversations, sex, etc.) and so much in common.

We have been connected by the hip since we first met. We hang out and talk all of the time and have also traveled together. We have both expressed that it is scary how well we get along. Lately we have been having conversations about marriage, having kids, and spending the rest of our life together. Everything seemed to be great and then I did not hear from her as much and eventually did not hear from her for three weeks. I get a voice mail message at my job saying that she is okay and that I will hear from her soon. I have not heard from her since that message. She is the love of my life and I feel like I might have lost her. What should I do? Should I wait around or move on?

-Terry Howell

Hi Terry,

It sounds like she has developed a case of "cold feet". It seems like she has gotten scared over the thought of marriage and is taking the time to re-evaluating things.
In your conversations/interactions has she ever had any escapist type of behavior? At times people get into this mode because they really like the person but they have been really hurt in a past relationship. They get scared to invest all of their emotions in a situation in fear of getting their heart broken.

I suggest that you give her some more time and see if she re-engages with you. Perhaps give her a call to check in to let her know that she is in your thoughts. She may start to interact again when she is able to collect all of her feelings. Set a timetable on how long you wait if she does not communicate with you at all because it is not fair to you to be waiting around.

Don't blame yourself of this circumstance because it is not about you nor is it your fault. A lot of people tend to blame themselves for this circumstance.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

TBM

Dear Ask The Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for a year. We have amazing chemistry in all aspects of our relationship (conversations, sex, etc.) and so much in common.

We have been connected by the hip since we first met. We hang out and talk all of the time and have also traveled together. We have both expressed that it is scary how well we get along. Lately we have been having conversations about marriage, having kids, and spending the rest of our life together. Everything seemed to be great and then I did not hear from her as much and eventually did not hear from her for three weeks. I get a voice mail message at my job saying that she is okay and that I will hear from her soon. I have not heard from her since that message. She is the love of my life and I feel like I might have lost her. What should I do? Should I wait around or move on?

-Terry Howell

Hi Terry,

It sounds like she has developed a case of "cold feet". It seems like she has gotten scared over the thought of marriage and is taking the time to re-evaluating things.
In your conversations/interactions has she ever had any escapist type of behavior? At times people get into this mode because they really like the person but they have been really hurt in a past relationship. They get scared to invest all of their emotions in a situation in fear of getting their heart broken.

I suggest that you give her some more time and see if she re-engages with you. Perhaps give her a call to check in to let her know that she is in your thoughts. She may start to interact again when she is able to collect all of her feelings. Set a timetable on how long you wait if she does not communicate with you at all because it is not fair to you to be waiting around.

Don't blame yourself of this circumstance because it is not about you nor is it your fault. A lot of people tend to blame themselves for this circumstance.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

TBM

Why Do Men Say They Want A Strong Woman But When They Get One They Don't Want Her?

2010-05-21T15:50:00.002-04:00

Dear Ask The Black Man,

Why do men say they want a strong woman but when they get one don't want her? I find that absolutely baffling

-Nique

The Black Man:

Hi Nique,

It goes back to the old saying, "Be careful for what you ask for because you just may get it"

Some people want things and either these three things happen:
1) They are happy with what they received.
2) They realized what they actually asked for is not what they want upon delivery.
3) They are not ready for what they asked for.

The same happens for when they ask for their ideal man. It can be presented right in front of them and they freak out because it is too good to be true and they reject him.

That is my 99 Cents Worth.

Why Do Men Always Lie About Simple Things?

2010-05-20T12:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Ask the Black Man,

I would like to know why is it that men feel the need to lie about simple things?

Example,

Him: I called you.

Her: No you didn't I don't have any missed calls.

Him: Well I left a message.

Her: Love you didn't call me because I don't have any missed calls or messages.

Him: All I know is that I called you

Her: Ok In today’s society, technology is far advanced. There were issues that used to arise, I didn't get the page, my phone couldn't get service in that area etc. Now EVERY phone has a missed call feature and voicemail. Why lie especially if there is no expectation of a phone call or text?

-Joanne

The Blackman:

Hi Joanne,

I feel that this case applies to some men but does not apply to every man. Some men may lie for the simple reason of thinking that it will avoid them getting out of trouble. It becomes a habit of lying about things that make no sense whatsoever. In the long run it actually gets them into more trouble.

On a sub-conscious level some men may have been through a rough childhood when they got in a lot of trouble and the times that they lied may have gotten them out of trouble. This carried on throughout their adulthood.

I agree that it is not necessary to lie about things of that nature but you can't accuse the whole male gender of these actions because that is simply not true.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

He Doesn't Want To Be Committed To Me. Is There Something Wrong With Me?

2010-05-19T13:06:00.002-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I’m in quite a predicament. I met this guy through mutual friends around 5 years ago. I thought he was attractive but didn’t pay much attention to him. I just considered him a friend. Two years ago we decided to room together because most of our friends were leaving college and neither of us wanted to live alone. We lived together for a year before anything physical happened. He did try every once in a while. About a year ago I finally gave in. Since then we have been through a lot. He said that he didn’t think dating would be a good idea because it wouldn’t end well. So we kept things light. I started to have feelings for him though. I met his family and he met mine He took me to weddings, family events, etc. We are best friends, share intimate details about our lives, hang out everyday, laugh, and get along extremely well. While we were sleeping together he tried to date a couple of other women. He’s always been honest about it though. I’m not sure I understand why. He has gone back and forth with me. He tells me he wants to date me and then changes his mind the next week. He has told me he didn’t want a commitment, couldn’t see himself marrying me. Why is he trying to date these other girls if he doesn’t want a commitment?
About 6 months ago he started perusing a girl pretty heavily. I wasn’t completely aware of it at the time but he was serious about dating her. It came down to me saying either things need to official between us or I need to move out because it wasn’t fair. Long story short I moved out. We didn’t talk for about a month and a half until she told him she didn’t see their relationship going anywhere. Then he started contacting me again. In the past three months we have slept together maybe four times, he’s told me he wants to date me, but then other woman decided she wanted to be friends with him and he thought he had a shot again. So just to test him I told him I wanted to talk about things with him and he totally blew me off.
I don’t get it. He texts me almost daily wanting to hang out, which I don’t always go. We are in the same circle of friends. We have great chemistry and get along so well that it’s hard for me to let him go. I’m scared to tell him that I want to date him because I fear the rejection and know his fear of commitment. I don’t know what to do. Should I try and sit him down and talk to him or just move on?
It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

-Lost In Emotions

The Black Man:

Hi Lost In Emotions,

First off I would like for you to be clear and understand that there is nothing wrong with you. This circumstance has to do with him and unfortunately your feelings are suffering do to this. It seems like he is going through a typical situation of not wanting what he can have and wanting what he can’t have. I think that he does care about you but he also takes you for granted because you are a good person and have been good to him. His actions also tend for me to believe that he is insecure in dealing with women and always needs to be with one. It is like his security blanket for love.

I think you should have a conversation with him since you do consider him a good friend. In this conversation I would let him know that you can’t sleep with him anymore under these circumstances and it is time for you to move on. I know this may be difficult but I would keep it on a plutonic level with him starting now. This situation seems too emotionally draining because he is too hot and cold.

I feel it is time for you to put that to rest and create space in your life for new, fun and exciting romantic possibilities in your life.

I hope this is some good insight for your situation.

Good Luck

TBM

I Keep Attracting The Same Type Of Women. How Do I Break This Cycle?

2010-05-18T12:34:00.003-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I am a 25-year-old male. I have no children and I am finishing up my B.S. in Criminal Justice. I am not a skinny guy but not overweight either. Over the years I have had a tendency to attract the wrong type of women, the ones who have abandonment issues, drama, ghetto mentality, etc. My question is what am I doing wrong in attracting these women and what can I do to find the right one who will not play me for a fool or mess with my emotions? I am getting to the point in my life where I want to find the woman I can share my life with. What can I do to rectify this problem?
- Mr. T

The Black Man:

Hi Mr. T,

This is a cycle that is not difficult to break and it will take real dose of introspection to do so. You should take a look within yourself and you should be able identify why you have been attracted to this types of females. It could possibly be from a relationship you have observed from within your family at young age, a possible dynamic in your parents’ relationship, or something occurred in your past. If you take some time to look within yourself you will get to the crux of the matter.
Also, where are you meeting these people? Perhaps you may want to change up the places where you are going to meet females. For example, if you are going to a club in which has a "ghetto" clientele then that is the type of female you will be prone to meet there.

Lastly, I suggest you write up a list of the characteristics of the type of female you would like to be involved. This will bring clarity to what you and will keep you on course finding that woman to settle down with.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck.

TBM

I am Pregnant And I Think My Boyfriend Does Not Loves Me. Should I Tell Him?

2010-05-17T19:23:00.003-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years. We see each other during our off days. I love this man. I went to visit him two weeks ago and he seemed very distant even when he was touching me. His mind seemed to be in another place and when we were making love and it was like he was just doing it because there was a woman sleeping next to him. He has totally changed but when I ask him if there is a problem he says there is no problem and that he still loves me. Another thing I recently found out that I am pregnant with his child. I went there to tell him but I couldn't because there is no communication anymore. I feel that he doesn't love me anymore. What should I do? Should I tell him that I'm pregnant?

-Veronica

The Black Man:

Hi Veronica,

If this just happened on his recent visit to him and you did not feel this way then I would not jump to conclusion that he does not love you anymore.

Do you both normally communicate well? Some men tend to internalize things when faced with an issue(s). He may have just had something on his mind that he is going through that may not pertain to you and he is going through his motions. That happens a lot especially when dealing with career and finances. Give it a little time and he may open up to you and things may change for the better.

As far as telling him you are pregnant, you should definitely let him know. Just choose a good time. If his spirit seems a bit more upbeat then let him know or even better, you should let him know the next time you see each other. Hopefully that is sooner than later. Important news such as this is best to be told in person.

Don't fret and stay positive.

Good luck and I hope this advice helps.

TBM

My Girlfriend Cheated on Me With My Best Friend. Should I Forgive Them?

2010-05-14T16:22:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I was with a girl for 3 years and I just broke up with her because I found out that she had a one night stand with one of my best friends that I have know since childhood.
I had planned to propose to her and make her my wife. I am not talking to either one of them. I just lost the two most important people in my life besides my parents. This is really is tough for me. They both have been reaching out to me saying that it was a "drunken" mistake and have been incessantly apologizing to me and begging for my forgiveness. I am conflicted because I am extremely angry and really miss both of them in my life.
I don't know if I can forgive them. What should I do?

-Jason

The Black Man:

Hi Jason,

I know that this has to be really tough for you lose two influential people in your life under these circumstances. Even throughout anger that you have from their betrayal it is clear that you still have love for both of them.
In most cases it would seem fit to just not speak to either one of them again and heal yourself to move forward with your life.

My suggestion is to really take the time to heal on your own and get clarity on how you can see yourself moving forward. I would create space from them now until your emotions can settle if you choose to want to have a conversation with either one of them.

If you feel you can't honestly forgive them then I don't see how you can accept them back in your life in any accord. If you can forgive them then you can explore the possibilities of how they can be in your life.

Make sure to do what feels right to you and take your time in figuring it out.

I hope this helps.

TBM

She Has Never Thanked Me For Taking Her Out On Any dates? Should I Mention Something To Her?

2010-05-12T11:34:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for about 6 months. I really like her and see a possible future with her. We go out pretty frequently on dates, maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

I enjoy her company but there is one thing that bothers me: She has never offered to pay for one date nor has she ever said thank you for me taking her out. She has said at the end of a date that she had a really good time but that's about it.

I was raised from an old school tradition and don't have a problem paying for dates but you would think for as much as we went out you would think that she would have offered to pay for one date and more importantly say “thank you” after me taking her out. I don't want to make this a big issue but do you think I should mention something to her about this?

Jake

The Black Man:

Hi Jake,

If this is someone you really like and you are thinking about having a future with, then you should definitely mention something to her. This is something that can resonate and build resentment towards her if you don't mention it. The sooner you have the conversation about the better it will be. The longer you wait the more upset you will grow about it and you may come off in a vengeful manner that will be offensive to her and will probably make her angry.

If you sit her down and acknowledge her for who she is and your feelings for her and then explain to her how you feel about this circumstance. This is a smoother approach and she will be more prone to listen to you rather than attacking back.
Lastly, in any relationship whether it's plutonic, dating or even marriage one can't take kind gestures for granted. Always remember to acknowledge that person for the action (s) that was done whether it was cooking a meal, holding a door, giving advice, or anything. Saying “thank you” to someone goes a long way in life.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Do I Pick A Side Between Two Friends Fighting Or Stay Out Of It?

2010-05-10T07:36:00.002-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I have had the same group of friends since high school and while I am not as close with all of them, for the most part I consider each family. Some time ago two of those friends had a rift that basically snowballed into the end of a friendship. Naturally other friends took sides in the matter, but I refused since both are my friends and I felt that the matter was between them. Ever since one of my friends has given me more than grief for not siding with them. I have tried everything I know to resolve this but the anger and resentment just keeps coming at me. I hate to give up something that I've had for so long especially when I have considered them family and I do have love for them. But lately every time I'm around this person, drama erupts. I end up very hurt from this. So when it is time to drop a friend from the roster?

Zetta

The Black Man:

Hi Zetta,

This is a tough predicament to be in but as you previously stated this something between the two friends and not you. It is unfair for your friends to put you in the middle of their dispute. It is a selfish act on both of their parts especially the one is upset that you decided not side with. If you had nothing to do with their dispute then you should not be involved.
I don't feel you should drop a friend off your roster. You may have to re-evaluate how you interact with those friends. If they have been true friends to you then there is no reason to totally drop either one as a friend. You may just have to change the setting of your friendship. Sometimes when you know someone for a long time you evolve to different places in your life in which can have you go on different paths. The person that you hung out with every day in high school may not be aligned with the person you are now. That transformation does not mean you cannot be friends, it just changes the dynamic of your friendship.
I think you just need to create some space between you and the friend that is causing you drama. Don't be attached to what the friendship was like in the past and create space in which is suitable for you now.
I hope this helps you out.

Good Luck.

TBM

Is Okay For Women To Tell A Man What They Want Or Will It Scare Them Away?

2010-05-05T09:49:00.003-04:00

Dear Black Man,

What do you think about women who talk straight and tell you exactly what they want? Is
it healthy or will it scare men away?

-Deborah

The Black Man:

Hi Deborah,

I feel it is totally fine for a woman to tell a man exactly what they want. I one hundred percent endorse it. The best thing for a relationship is to be clear on what you want and your needs. Relationships should not be a guessing game. Your partner should not have to figure something out. Some people tend to think that if your mate can’t figure out what you want then they don’t care or really know you. Resentment can grow from this, which causes an unhealthy relationship. Communication is so important for a healthy relationship. If a man can’t handle you being straight forward about what you want then perhaps that man may not be the right match for you.

This does not just apply for women. Men need to take heed to this as well. Be transparent on what you want in a relationship with a woman as well.

I hope this give you enough insight.

TBM

Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out on a first date?

2010-05-04T14:04:00.002-04:00

Dear TBM,

Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out on a first date?

-Kelly

The Black Man

Hi Kelly,

We are in 2010 and times have changed drastically. It is absolutely fine to ask a man out on a date. It actually would be a breath of fresh air for some men and would serve as an ego boost. Some men get intimidated by asking a woman out and unfortunately both parties could be missing out on a good thing. The fear of rejection can lead to someone being apprehensive to ask someone out.

If there is someone you are thinking about asking out, go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that they say no. There are endless possibilities if he says yes.

Good Luck.

TBM

Is Being Overwieght Affecting Men Being In A Long-Term Relationship With Me?

2010-05-03T15:25:00.002-04:00

Dear Black man,

I am thirty-four, single, and have with no children. I’m pursuing a B.A. in IT Multimedia. I have my own home and I am financially independent. While I have most everything in my life under control, I have had issues with my weight since I was 19 years old. I am about 80 pounds overweight. I’m very active and competitive when it comes to sports. I am not afraid to push myself to get what I want. I do date but I find it difficult to find a man to commit to a long-term relationship. Do you think my weight affects the way men see me as a long-term relationship?

-Sherice

The Black Man:

Hi Sherice,

As the old Proverb goes "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder". Like anyone in this world, there will be some people that are attracted to you and some that are not. It all stems from theory from Charles Darwin called "Natural Selection".
My question to you is, are you comfortable with the weight you are at? When someone is comfortable and confident in their own skin that radiates and attracts others to you. Your weight may be an issue to some people but maybe not to others.
In regards to your personal welfare, which is more important than figuring out why men are attracted to you, eighty pounds is a lot to be overweight. You should definitely talk to a doctor and/or a nutritionist to get on a diet and exercise regiment to get down to a healthy weight. Your health comes first so take care of that. You want to be healthy for when you meet “Mr. Right”.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

I Got Engaged To A Man And Then He Disappeared. Should I Reach Out To Him?

2010-04-29T12:15:00.003-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I started seeing this man. Everything was perfect. We talked on the phone for hours and he told all his family and friends about me almost off the bat. I did the same. On Valentines Day he proposed to me. This was a long distance relationship. I live in Texas and he lives in South Carolina. He would visit me on his days off, because he worked for Delta Airlines and was able to fly for free. After he proposed to me he went back home. The next week he disappeared and I wouldn't hear from him for days. He then would call me and tell me he needed time to "think about things". This disappearing act occurred 5 times. I have broke up with him three times. Right now we are still broken up and it's been two weeks since I heard from him since he disappeared again. What is going on? I love this man very much and he seemed to love me as well. He was always talking to me about having a baby and talking about me moving to South Carolina in the summer time. Then in the fall we were talking about moving to California. I really don't get what is going on. Should I just move on? Or should I try and get in contact with him?

-Helpless

The Black Man:

Hi Helpless,

It sounds like you guys jumped into this too soon. He may have feelings for you but it is clear that he is not ready to make that move. There is more to a relationship than just giving someone a ring. If he can’t be consistently around then you need to take some space from him. I would suggest not reaching out to him.
Leave it be. I am not sure how long you have been dating but it does not seem that long from the way you have explained the situation. Emotions may have gotten the best of him. I would not chase him to stay in contact with him. Reaching out to him will mostly likely only cause more drama and heartache for you. As they say “Actions Speak Louder Than Words”. His actions are not matching up to his words. If you guys can’t communicate there is a slim chance that you could have a fruitful relationship. Leave it alone and move forward.

Good Luck

TBM

I am Dating Someone Who Slept with A lot Of People In Her Past. Should I Stay With Her?

2010-04-28T11:47:00.003-04:00

Dear TBM,

I reconnected with someone that I went to high school with. We never dated back then but now I am attracted to her and we started dating. It is getting pretty serious. There is one major obstacle that I have. I found out and she also admitted that in high school and college she has had been with a lot of men. Some of them I know but I am not friends with any of them. It has been almost fifteen years since we have been in high school and I know she has changed for the better, but in my mind I still can't over the fact of how she was back then. I think that she is marriage material now but I am stuck in this dilemma. What should I do?

Dazed And Confused.

The Black Man:

Hi Dazed And Confused,

One thing that many of tend to do is live in the past and it stifles us from living in the "Now". We have all done things in our past that we probably not so proud of. We live and we learn and you can't dwell on it because you can't change anything that has happened in the past. In this case you are looking at actions that happened 15 years ago. We change and hopefully learn from our mistakes and it seems like from what you have stated that she has. If you love this woman and she has not slept with you best friend or someone close to you I feel you should really work on getting over it, and seeing where this relationship can take you both. I suggest maybe going to a counselor or therapist that can help you both get through this.
Don't throw something good away without really trying to make it work on your end.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

Good Luck.

TBM

I Have Been Snooping Through My Boyfirends Phone. Should I Tell Him?

2010-04-26T13:32:00.002-04:00

Dear Black Man,

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, and I am definitely serious about him. But for the past six months I have been checking his text messages. I have found a few shady messages that he has sent and received but not enough to really confront him about. I do have some questions though. I have tried calling some of the numbers that I found and did not recognize. Most of them of them had automatic voice mail. I do not know what I am looking for but I can’t stop looking. I love my boyfriend and I think that I want to marry him. But why cannot I stop? Should I tell him what I have done?

Kylie

The Black Man:

Hi Kylie,

At this point I think you need to check yourself rather than your boyfriends’ phone. It seems like you have some serious trust issues and/or insecurities in which you should get to the root of. Has someone in the past cheated on you or gave you a valid reason not to trust them? It seems like you have not let go of something that has happened to you in the past. I don’t feel that snooping in people’s personal belongings is appropriate, especially in this case where he has not given you any reason to even question his actions. If you don’t what you are looking for then why are you looking? What is probably going to wind up happening is that you are going to misinterpret a message that you find, get mad at him and the conclusion will be that he gets mad you because you were incorrect about what you are accusing him of. He will then come to the conclusion you were snooping.
If you are thinking about marry this guy then you are going to have to be able to trust him. Do you want to be married for 50 plus years and your daily routine is to go through his phone? How does that sound to you? It is not healthy at all.
If there are any issues that you have with him why don’t you ask him first rather than trying to go through other avenues? These actions are detrimental to having a productive, fruitful relationship with someone.

I am not certain what good will come out of telling him that you have been going through his phone except that it may clear up your guilty conscience. If you feel the need to do so that is your choice and be mindful of how you bring it up. Don’t’ point the finger at him trying to blame him for the reason why you looked through his phone. Come from a place of taking full accountability on you actions.

I would immediately cease your actions of snooping and communicate with him directly if there are any particular concerns.

Good luck with your relationship.

TBM

My Boyfriend Has Erectile Dysfunction And I Don't Want to Cheat On Him. What Should I do?

2010-04-23T15:28:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am 41 years old and my boyfriend of five years is 54. He suffers from erectile dysfunction due to his type two diabetes. He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore and I want to have sex. My sex drive is extremely high and I don’t want to cheat on him. I am so tired of using my vibrator and having oral sex. What should I do?

-Backed Up

The Black Man:

Hi Backed Up,

It is a tough situation that you are in and it is very commendable of you to persevere the circumstance at hand. I would suggest that the two of you go to a physician and discuss this issue. There may be a solution to rectify this situation. There are so many products on the market now that help with fixing the issue of erectile dysfunction. You want to check with a physician to make sure that there would be no side effects that would occur, especially with him having type two diabetes. You may also want to go to a holistic doctor to get an opinion as well.

Make sure to be completely open and honest about your feelings in regards to this because you don’t want to grow resentment towards him by trying to hide you emotions.
Open communication is the best way to approach and get through this situation.

I wish you the best of luck.

TBM

Is It Offensive To Call A Black Man "Boy" Or " Kid"?

2010-04-21T11:08:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I know calling a black man 'boy' is definitely considered racist and offensive and has long-standing negative connotations but would calling an adult black male 'kid' cause racial offense?

-RB

The Blackman:

Hi RB,

Calling a black man “boy” or “kid” are only racially offensive pending on the context and intention on how the term is being used. If a person uses it with the purpose of trying to condescend or belittle a black man then of course if is offensive. If it is used in a playful, slang-oriented way then I don’t see it being used in a disparaging way at all.
Just like many terms and phrases that our used in society, it is all based on the intention of the use of them to judge whether it is offensive or not.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Is it Appropriate For Black People To Use The "N -Word"?

2010-03-16T11:28:00.002-04:00

Hi Black Man.

My boyfriend and I have a disagreement about the n word. He doesn't understand why it is fine for black people to call each other that, but not ok for others to call a black person that. He agrees that it is definitely not a nice word to use, but thinks therefore black people shouldn't be using it either. I explained to him it’s because of centuries of being called that and other terms by white people as a purposeful, demeaning insult. When it comes from another black person, it is not perceived that way. But if today it comes from a white person, it could very well be an insult. We are both white, and do not know that many black people. I realized there is no way I could really relate to this issue. I needed a black person's perspective on this, and I like your blog. Thanks so much.

Wondering Whitey

The Black Man:

Hi Wondering Whitey,

When a disparaging name from any race that is used by a person outside of that race it is always looked at as insulting unless the individuals are friends and it is done in a humorous manner. Time and place are extremely relevant for even that to occur.
I understand your boyfriends’ perception on the use the “N” word. The “N -Word” is not a good word to use period. When Black people use it amongst themselves it is used in a “light –hearted” context, which is not intended to be demeaning in any way.
The major issue is blacks use the “N-Word” so freely in public and it is all over many social and multimedia platforms (i.e. Hip-Hop Songs and Movies) that it raises eyebrows to those who are not black. Hip-Hop has given off a perception to the masses that it is almost cool to use the “N Word”
There is no other ethnicity that I have witnessed that uses such a disparaging term about them selves so freely in a public arena.
I do not agree with the use of the word used so openly in public. I have been a public place where black people have been talking freely using the “N-Word” and all the non- black people around overhearing the conversation have a shocked and confused expression on their face.
If I were not black I may have the same thought as your boyfriend has. It would be confusing to someone that is not African-American to hear black people call each other a term that has been insulting to their heritage and would fight in a heat beat with anyone else that would use the term.

I feel the “N-Word” is not appropriate and should not be used so freely in our society.

I hope this gives you a better viewpoint on this matter.

TBM

Why Is It So Hard For A Successful Black Woman To Find a Successful Black Man, Who Is Not Threatened By Her Success?

2010-03-10T11:03:00.002-05:00

Dear Black Man,

Why is it so hard for a successful black woman to find a successful black man, who is not threatened by her success?

-Tina

The Black Man:

Hi Tina,

I feel that if a successful black woman finds and successful black man,
Nine times out of ten that man is not going to feel threatened by her success. Most people feel a loss of power or threatened when they don’t have something the other person has.

They key is to find someone who is on totally on your level. Success is not always measured by finance or fame. You have to be on the same page and compatible on you what you want in your lives. Dating someone that is in the same financial bracket is not the solution of finding true love. A lot people put that first and that is a big mistake. It may seem great at first but if you are not aligned in other parts of your lives, it can become an issue later on in your relationship.

It is not only about the other person but it is also about you being clear on who you are and what you want. Sometimes you have to go through experiences and relationships to get clear on that. It may take time to find that person but when you do, you will feel it was well worth the wait.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Did I Scare The Cop Away?

2010-02-09T11:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Blackman,

I met a guy who's a police officer. We dated only a few days and I was emotionally snared to him. I submitted myself completely to him. I wondered why he didn't call or text me in a day. After a few days, he never showed up. He didn't answer my text or calls. I sent him messages with all my negative comments about him but he still he never responded. I'm becoming so weak being completely hurt about what happened. He's just fooling me but now hatred still in me. How can I move on?

Gurl

The Black Man:

Hi Gurl,

I feel the issue here is that you came on to strong. You just met this person and you became clingy to him so fast in which most likely completely turned him off.

You don't need to bombard someone with phone calls, texts, etc. after you first meet a person. Also sending negative messages to try and bait him to respond is not a good move at all. It is showing that your playing games and that can be a total turn-off to most people.

There is no need to hate someone especially someone you just met. I know he not reaching out to you may hurt you but it was a person you just met so emotionally I think you can get over it and move on.

Next time I suggest be a bit more patient and let a situation evolve rather than trying to go all in within a few days.

Good luck.

TBM

Does Unprotected Sex Validate Trust?

2010-02-05T10:57:00.001-05:00

Hello Black Man:

I have been seeing a man off and on for about 2 years. We’ve always used condoms, no question from either of us on that. The last few times he has not used one. I asked him why he has not used one and he responded that it wasn’t a big deal. I just don’t know why now he’d stop wearing one. It’s like now he trusts me, and he didn’t before. I’m not sure of his motives. Any advice or ideas will help me out.

Ms. Confused

The Black Man:

Hi Ms. Confused,

I know I am probably preaching to the choir but I have to say it: Safe sex is the best way to go.

Unprotected sex does not validate trust in a relationship. There are many ways that this can be view. If you guys have been seeing each other on and off there is the possibility that since you guys have been just seeing each other that you have both have slept with other people. Sometimes when some feels like they are going to be monogamous that it is okay to not use protection. That’s not necessarily the case in this matter.

It could be basically that he wanted to do it “raw”. No matter what angle or thought process he had in regards to it, it takes two to tango and you should be safe about it.
Don't feel the unprotected sex is a payout factor or end result of trust. That can be extremely delusional.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Is a Straight " Wil And Grace" Relationship Possible?

2010-02-04T10:27:00.002-05:00

Dear Black Man,

Is it truly possible to have a straight version of the "Will n Grace" relationship? I'm a 32 Black Female; I'm at that content phase right now. I just want something along the lines of all in one without the sex. Is what I'm asking realistic? Thank you for your honesty.

BJ Noir

The Black Man:

Hi BJ Noir,

It is absolutely possible to have a male friend that is truly just a friend. You would be surprised that there are a lot of men that appreciate a woman who is just the "homie" who you can just hang out with and there is no sex involved.
A lot of men do like to have female that they can chill with at times and can also get a woman perspective on certain things.
You have to be clear at the beginning and follow you gut on what you feel the guy's motive is. As with any type of relationship dealing with either gender there always can be alternative motives.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

Is There Someone Out There For Me?

2010-02-03T11:27:00.002-05:00

Hi TBM,

I am a 40-year-old African-American woman and that is very lonely. I want a companion to love me for me, to hold me when I need to be held, an ear to listen when I need someone to talk to, someone to do things with like traveling movies dining out walks in the park etc. Also I want someone to make love to me instead of me masturbating.

I can't seem to meet anyone. I tried on line dating, blind dates, going out alone to bars, clubs, the vibe phone chat line at work going to single meet up groups (no one approaches me) etc. It never works out either the guy no longer is interested when I do meet someone or the blind date does not like me. I have even done one-night stands. I'm tall; slim, with very small breasts, not a big butt, but kind of pretty in the face. These days I see men looking curvaceous women. I don't know what to do. I feel like no one wants me. I just want your advice. Thank you.

From Anonymous.

The Black Man:

Hi Anonymous,

It sounds like you need a little bit of a confidence booster. You have to feel good about yourself if you want someone to feel good about you.

This confidence does not just have to stem from dating someone. It can be other things such as accomplishing personal goals, treating yourself to things you like, being inspired and inspiring others. Feel good and your radiate that energy around you.

Also, go out with a group of people sometimes instead of just by yourself to go meet men. If you don't have friends that go out then join some groups that involve some hobbies that you like. Become active in some good organizations.

There is someone out there for you. All men don't just like big breasts and big asses so you can remove that from your mind. The last time I looked most of the people that are on the big screen and in runways don't have large bosoms and butts.

They key is to have confidence and be clear on exactly what you want. Be patient and it will come to you. You truly have to be open and ready for what you ask for.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2010-02-02T09:38:00.002-05:00

Dear TBM,

I've been in a relationship with 'John' for almost 3 years. Just to give you some background, within a few months of us being together we moved in together because of our circumstances. I was living with a dingy roommate and he was living with his ex-girlfriend and her new man. In hind- sight, I should have let go of him then but I didn't really know all of the details. Well we started having issues about 6 months into the relationship. He was still talking to his ex. She sent him naked pictures and was talking about how she missed him and will always love him. This went on and off up until this year. The last instance is when he made up a secret e-mail account to email her. I've tried to leave before but we live together and it isn't as easy to just get up and leave. It's been six months since the last altercation and I thought since he has said he was done with all of the drama that we could move forward. I tried to forget it but somehow that topic of his ex always comes up in conversations. Either his friends or family will bring it up and I feel like it's been 3 years. Why is this still a topic of conversation? Why doesn't it just go away? My dilemma is I can't seem to forget and I can't stop feeling resentment towards him for pretty much choosing the ex's feelings over mine. He even brings her up in conversation at awkward times. I truly don't care about the ex-girlfriend situation. I just can't get past the fact that he lied and hid things from me for so long. I think I may have to just cut my losses and just cut it off and see what happens. I do really love him. I can say if it came down to it, he is the person that I would rather be with over anybody. I'm not confident that he feels the same, though he always says he does. Should I figure out how to get over this anger that I have towards him or just leave?

Scared Love

The Black Man:

Hi Scared Love,

I feel you basically answered your question while writing about this whole scenario. You need to get up and leave. You both need space. When you entered the relationship it was not a healthy situation. He just got of a relationship and was living with her. It is not wise to just jump from one relationship to the next.

Another issue was moving in together. Even if the two of you had good synergy it is not smart to move in with someone just because your living situation may not be working out. A lot of relationships get damaged because of this. You should move in with one another because you authentically want to be together, not because you are in a bad living predicament. That does not normally give your relationship a chance to flourish in the proper fashion.

You guys need your own personal space. Living with someone that you resent is not healthy. If something can be rectified from the relationship it more than likely will happen by you both living apart at this point.

That is my 99 Cents worth. Good Luck.

TBM

I Have Never Enjoyed Sex. How Can I Change It?

2010-02-01T10:55:00.002-05:00

Hi Blackman,

I really don’t enjoy sex and I never have. I really feel like I am missing out. I am totally happy and relaxed with the guy I am with and I have never had any trauma involving sex like abuse, rape, etc. I don’t understand why everyone else seems to have a great sex life and I don't. Please help.

Thank you,

Laura

The Black Man:

Hi Laura,

A key component in having a good sex life is knowing yourself and what you like. Get to know your own body and what stimulates you. I suggest masturbating if you have not been already. You can do it manually or go purchase a toy to help discover what pleases you.

If that does not help then I would suggest going to a sex therapist that could help you get to the root of the issue.

Good luck in resolving the matter.

TBM

Is It Hard To Get A Man To Commit?

2009-10-28T13:38:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Is it hard to get a man to commit? Does that mean he's less likely to cheat on his wife once he DOES commit?

L Boogie

The Black Man:

Hi L Boogie,

First off, you can’t get a man to commit. A man or woman for that matter makes the choice on his or her own to make a commitment. When you go into a situation thinking you can make someone do something, is not a smart approach. I think that timing has a lot to with commitment. Just like in most relationships timing and communication are key factors for them to be successful. You also have to happy with yourself, clear on what you want and on the same page with your partner.

If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Some people are just meant to be open relationships if it works for them. Others cheat because they are not fully happy with themselves or in the relationship that they are in. They also may not know what they really want. You must go within and figure out what makes you happy.

I hope this gives you a good perspective.

TBM

What would attract a 38-year-old man to a 62-year-old woman?

2009-10-27T09:41:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

What would attract a 38-year-old man to a 62-year-old woman? She doesn't look her age and she was upfront with him from the jump so he knows how old she is. He genuinely seems to like her a lot. They have great sex -- is it all about the sex?

FICA

The Blackman:

Hi Fica,

I think this out of the range of calling the female a Cougar so what would this be called a "lioness"? (Smile).
Seriously speaking, as they say, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Perhaps it is beyond the sex and he does genuinely like the woman. My questions are how long have they been dating? Do you if he has an attraction to older women? Has he had an active sex life? Sometimes when people when people are in a drought they tend to go after whatever they can get.
If she does not look her age then can also play a factor of him not feeling weird about it.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Am I Crazy For Dating A Man That Got Another Woman Pregnant?

2009-09-02T17:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Am I crazy or stupid for continuing to date a guy (with no type of commitment) that I know has gotten another woman pregnant? He hasn't told me about the baby yet but I found out the same time he did. The other woman 10 weeks pregnant and they are still seeing each other. I am in love with him and I don't care that he's having a baby with someone else as long as he still wants to be with me. Of course I eventually want to be with him exclusively, but for now I am content in sharing him with the other woman. Am I kidding myself? She does have a trump card in the form of his DNA after all. When we're together he makes me feel so sexy and special. Although I've tried dating other guys, none of them even come close to comparing to him. I end up just missing him more and wishing he were there with me instead of the others. I know I shouldn't compare other guys to him but I can't help it. What should I do?

-Addicted

The Blackman:

Hi Addicted,

I feel you need to step back for a moment and really look at your situation. You are running on a lot of emotions and no rationale.

Take into consideration these key points:

1) He is having a baby with another woman in whom you said he did not even tell you about but you found out. So how did you find out? Clearly, he was not upfront with you about this.

2) You are not in any type of committed situation with him. Even if you were, that would be even worse. If he is not committed to you now what makes you think that eventually he would want to be?

3) If he has just been dating the both of you on a non-committal level, what makes you think that there may not be other people he is involved with as well? You don't even know.

It seems like you have a lot of feelings for this man but sticking around is only going to create an appetite of destruction for you.
It will be only more drama that you will possibly endure from him and the baby's mother.

I strongly urge you to be done with him and move on. You will get over the heartache. I am sure you will find someone that is available that will make you feel good that you can fall in love with.

Good Luck.

TBM

Am I Selfish For Wanting An Open Relationship with Husband?

2009-09-01T12:17:00.001-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Am I being selfish for wanting to have an open relationship with my husband of 15 years?

-Double A

The Blackman:

Hi Double A,

I don't think that you are being selfish. It appears that you want to get some "fresh air" for better use of terms. Have you discussed this with your husband yet? If not, I would really look into why you really feel this way and make sure this is something that you really want to do. I say this because if you discuss this with your husband and whether he agrees or disagrees it could possibly be detrimental to your marriage. If he gets angry about it could cause a strain. Also, it is important to make sure you will be able accept the fact of him being with other women if he chooses to do so. In some instances, the person in the relationship that lobbies for an open relationship winds up getting hurt by it because they get jealous of their mate being with someone else.

Take some time to really consider this before moving forward with it.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

Good Luck.

TBM

Can A Man Wait Until Marriage To Have Sex?

2009-08-13T14:21:00.005-04:00

Hello Blackman,

I am a 21-year-old African American Christian woman who is saving herself for marriage. Quite frankly, I feel like I am one of the last of a dying breed of excellent women. It seems to be hard to find a good black man who appreciates me for who I am. What man wants to deal with a girl who won’t satisfy his sexual needs until after marriage?

CD

The Blackman:

Hi CD,

I think the way society is designed these days it is tough to find that match. It is not impossible though. Just like anything else, once you find something great you should cherish it.

Society has transformed a lot throughout the years where pre-marital sex is not looked at as taboo anymore. In some ways it has helped certain situations and in other cases it has not. For example it has stopped some people from getting married and realizing that lust was the premise of their relationship. On the flip side it has made someone overlook a person that they would overall be compatible with but since pre-marital sex was not in the equation, they looked past the person.

The age of when people get married has changed as well. Nowadays it is common for people to get married in their 30's, unlike in the past most people were married with children in their 20's.

Sex has become a big emphasis in our society, rather than religion where premarital sex is forbidden. This factor makes it tougher for people to abstain until marriage. A majority of the things that you see in the multimedia platform of our society has a sexual innuendo to it.

Another makes it difficult in your case because the men in your age range are going through their sexual prime so they may not be looking to settle at that point of their lives.

Look at yourself as a diamond in the ruff and be open to receiving a gem for a lifetime partner. There are men out there that will respect the fact you want to save yourself for marriage and will see your value beyond sex.
Since you are a Christian woman, a good place to look for man who will value that is at Church. That's not saying that you can't find men elsewhere that will honor that but they can relate where you are coming from. Be patient and you will find someone that will appreciate you.

Good Luck,

TBM

I Am Black, Gay And Grew Up Around White People. Where Do I Fit In?

2009-08-12T12:04:00.003-04:00

Dear TBM,

I'm gay and black. It's hard for me as a black man to appreciate myself from years past and had wished that I were someone else. I grew up in a small town and most of my friends were Caucasian. I've often seen myself as one of them. I know it sounds very sad but it's my reality. I would stretch myself to learn more about my culture and race while attending college. But often found that I was ridiculed because I just did not fit into the stereotype of what an African-American should be. For example, I never used in proper in English such Ebonics. So when I would speak, it was with proper verbs and nouns etc. I would receive many reactions from my own people asking me "why do you talk so proper or why you talk like you are white"? My reaction would be one of hurt and withdrawal. Because of that when it comes to dating or loving someone that I want to be with, it became a challenge for me. I've always dated men out side of my own race and often found myself not really happy. I'm not sure what type of kind of advice you have and also not sure what your beliefs are regarding homosexuality but I would hope that you could look past it if you are not in agreement and give some solid advice.
Thank you

MMB

The Blackman:

Hi MMB,

This issue actually has nothing to do with your sexual orientation; it has to do with race. You have actually gone through what quite a few people of color go through when being raised in a predominantly white area or being educated in school that consists of mostly white people, and very few blacks for a greater portion of your childhood.
In many cases when going to college you have been around the most black people that they have ever encountered in their life. Then you are trying to figure out what it is to be black. Some people go to the extreme and become extremely militant and others may try to transform to become "ghetto" or "hood". There is also a group of people that are trying to figure an alternative route then the previous two where they can fit in. That sounds like the category where you fit in. Usually during your college years and going through your twenties people are still defining who they are.

It seems to me that since you don't speak Ebonics and have been criticized for it, it has hurt your self-esteem and you question your "blackness". You are not comfortable in your own skin.
I like for you to answer this question. What does it take for some one to be black? The last time I looked it was determined by the color of your skin. It has nothing to do with how you speak, dress, or the neighborhood you live in. There are plenty of black people that do not speak in Ebonics. A lot of blacks are actually raised in households where the parents don't allow their kids to speak like that or even use the "N" word.

You have be comfortable with who you are as an individual in which it seems like you are not in that place yet. Because you are not happy within, you are putting yourself in situations that are not creating happiness for you. If you want to be with black men then you have to be in environment that will allow you to engage with other black gay men. Basically you are holding yourself back. If you focus on moving past these obstacles you will find yourself in a better place in life. You cannot change where you lived or how you were raised. If you learn to truly accept the person that you are, you will be a happier individual.

Good Luck.

TBM

How Do I Move Forward From A Past Relationship?

2009-08-07T11:46:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

How do you move on from a past relationship that was filled with love and hurt equally? The love that I have for my ex-boyfriend has always overpowered all the wrong he has ever done to me. I have not forgot those things and even in all his wrong- doings (cheating, lying,etc.), I do not hate him or dislike him enough to let him go. I would like to move forward with my life and do not want keep on holding on to my past. What should I do?

-Stuck in Neutral

The Black Man:

Hi Stuck In Neutral,

It is not always easy to move forward from a past relationship especially when you have so many feelings and emotions towards some one. You become attached to that person.

Whenever someone has done something wrong to you no matter what type of relationship you have with that person, you are not going to forget what that person has done to you. The key is to forgive them.

Forgiveness will help you move on from that situation. It creates an avenue for you to let go and be at peace with yourself. When you don't forgive you hold that anger inside of you which resonates and in most cases lashes out on individuals that had nothing to do with that circumstance. That is why some people walk around angry at the world because they have not learned to forgive. It's not attractive to have all of that anger built up inside of you. People that have that much anger are usually lonely.

You can love someone but sometimes it just might not be the right situation to be in. That is when you have learn to move on.

Staying in that type of relationship will not create happiness for either person. It is easier said than done to move on, but in the long run that is the best thing to do.

A lot of people live in the past with certain situations in their life and that is why they don't progress. You can not change what happened in the past. You can only learn from it and move forward. It is best to live in the present. Life is about choice and you can create what you want for your life by living in the present.

It is time for you to switch gears from neutral to drive and move forward in your life. There are unlimited amounts of possibilities for you in your life. Be committed in creating a happy lifestyle yourself.

I Don't Enjoy Sex Anymore. Please Help!

2009-08-05T12:28:00.004-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I don't enjoy sex anymore. I can’t even get to the point of climax. I get nothing out of it but I can't stop having it. What is wrong with me and how can I get over this?

- Ms. Low End Theory

The Black Man:

Hi Ms. Low End Theory -

The way you phrased your question makes it seem like you did enjoy it at some point. I am assuming that you keep having it because you want to get back to the place of enjoying it.

Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself:

Are you happy with the person(s) that you are having sex with? If so, are they doing the right things to please you?

Have you had any bad experiences involving sex (i.e. abused, taken advantage of, etc.)?

Are you in any sort of depressive state of mind or extremely stressed out over something?

Do you feel good about yourself?

If none of those questions are a factor then there may be some sort of mental block that you have in regards to being pleased during intercourse.

A couple of suggestions I have would be to:

1) Masturbate. Please yourself. Get back to the essence of what stimulates you. Then emulate that with your partner.

2) Talk to a sex therapist or even a Kama Sutra. They may be able to help get you over this hump (no pun intended).

Good luck with overcoming this issue.

TBM

Why are so many men afraid of commitment?

2009-08-04T15:28:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Why are so many men afraid of commitment?

-Britt

The Blackman:

Hi Britt,

I don't think that so many men are afraid of commitment. A distinction needs to be made between not being ready and being afraid of commitment. There are a lot of men that want to be in a committed relationship but may not be ready at a particular time in their life. That's not being afraid. It's just about understanding where you are in your life.

In some cases women interpret that as being afraid or take it personal and feel it has to do with them.

Also, in some scenarios a man can start dating a woman and have good synergy. He might want to continue dating the woman without being committed and she might want a commitment. He may not be in a place in his life where he wants to be in a relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be with other women.

There are in fact men who are afraid of commitment but not ALL.

Sometimes it’s just about timing.

I hope this gives you some clarity on the topic.

TBM

Can A Woman Be In Love With Two Different Men?

2009-08-03T11:37:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Can a woman be in love with two different men?

-LT

The Blackman:

Hi LT,

That circumstance would be a rare one but I believe anything is possible in life.

I feel that you can have love for two people but can only be in love with one person.
It’s very important to have a clear distinction of your feelings, not only in love but in lust. For example, some people think that they may be in love with someone but it is only pure sexual attraction. When the sexual attraction wears off then they feel they are not "in love" with that person anymore. It was never love in the first place.

In conversations that I’ve had with many women, I’ve found that in regards to relationships their emotions get very wrapped up in a person that they are involved with (as anyone's emotions should), so I would see it being difficult to have those same emotions towards two people at the same time. I think you can be in love with someone and can be extremely compatible with someone else.

One must be clear on their feelings and what being "in love" really is. I feel being in love with two men at the same time is a very rare occurrence.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

"It's Been A Year And A Half and I Never Been To His House or Met His Family. Why?"

2009-07-31T11:08:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half and I've yet to meet anyone in his family or visit his home. He claims his sister and her two children have been living with him while she sorts out her marital problems. I've met most of his close friends, but I really don't think that means much. He's met my parents once, but that is only because they live 3,000 miles away. After a few months into the relationship, he made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see other people. My instinct is telling me I should call this one quits and use my plans to leave the area for graduate school as an excuse. I've been screwed over in the past because of my own failure to accept a person’s actions for what they really are. I'm really digging this guy, but I don't want to waste my time if he's not serious enough about me to introduce me to his family. I had intentions of asking him, but I don't want to put him on the defensive. What should I do?

Trying To Get Off The Relationship Merry Go Round

The Black Man:

Hello Trying To Get Off The Relationship Merry Go Round,

It is strange that you have not met any of his family and you have never been to his house since you have been dating him. Have you ever asked to go to his house? If so, what did he say?

Before you make any decisions on the situation, talk to him and ask him all the questions that you want to know and get to the bottom of this. Do not worry about him getting defensive about it. If you are looking at a long term relationship with him, then you should get answers on this.

In this circumstance, usually the first scenario that comes to mind is that he is living with another woman. I have seen similar situations and it has also been because the man lives with his mother, is embarrassed of his living conditions, embarrassed about his family or doesn’t have a good relationship with them. He hides this in fear of losing the woman that he is dating.

Communication is vital in relationships. Let him know how you feel about this issue and ask him all of the questions you want to know. Don't hold back out of fear of him getting upset. After you get his responses you can assess how you want to move forward in the relationship.

Good Luck.

TBM

If you can ask me what my salary is, why can't I ask your age?

2009-07-30T13:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am a single man who is looking for a lifetime partner. I have been on the dating scene (circus) for a while and a lot of women have been asking me what my salary is on the first date. I have asked some of these same women their age and they got offended. A lot of them respond with ‘you should know it's rude to ask a woman her age. I am a traditional woman.' When has it been traditional for a woman to ask a man what his salary is on a first date?

- Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places

The Blackman:

Hi Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places -

As far as I know, it has never been a tradition for women to ask what a man's salary is on the first day. These women that you are going on dates with are being just as offensive as what they are accusing you of being. If a woman can ask such a personal question, she should be ready and willing to respond to a personal question. It's a double standard they are using on you.

A "traditional" woman would not ask that type of question. She would want to get to know the kind of person that you are first, not ask you the Capital One motto: "What's in your wallet?"

On a first date you’re supposed to get to know each other, but you don't ask questions that you would find on a credit card application.

I hope you find a woman that you can pursue a lifetime partnership with.

Good Luck

TBM

I Hired My Best Friends' Ex-Girlfriend By Accident. What Should I Do?

2009-07-29T14:16:00.005-04:00

Dear TBM,

I own my own small business and recently hired a woman on my staff. I later found out that she is the ex-girlfriend of one of my best friends and that they no longer speak. I only met her once, at his birthday dinner. It was in the early stage of their relationship and she and I barely spoke. I hadn’t been in touch with him since. Due to the fact that I was traveling a lot for my business, so I wasn’t aware of what happened/transpired between them. When I hired her, I didn’t even recognize who she was. She was actually referred to me by another mutual friend, who also knows my best friend. Neither the mutual friend nor my best friend's ex said anything about it, even when being referred, during or after the interview. It was never brought to my attention. Maybe they just assumed I knew. Well my best friend came to my office while I was out and found out she worked there, which of course caught him by surprise and then he informed me who she was. He did not seem mad but clearly stated that he wish he had known because him and I have a joint venture project. He said he talked to her a lot about me when they dated so he was certain that she knew who I was. He also said that if I feel that she's an asset to my company then don't sweat it. I feel funny about the whole situation. What do you think I should do?

-Casey

TBM:

Hi Casey,

It doesn’t seem as if you did anything out of malice. If you didn’t remember her, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You should have one more conversation with your best friend about the situation so that you can be 100% sure that he’s really cool with her working there. I think it would help bring clarity to the situation and ease whatever doubts you’re having.

You should also have a clarity conversation with the ex-girlfriend. I think that when she got interviewed she should have taken the opportunity to have an upfront conversation about it with you and could have put it on the table to clear the air. That would have been the professional way to handle it but she may have opted not to bring it to your attention out of fear of not getting the position.

The bottom-line is that if you have a conversation with your best friend and he truly has no problem with her working at your company and you do in fact feel that she is an asset to your business; keep her on your staff.

The most important thing is keeping your friendship intact.

I hope this helps you in terms of how to move forward in this situation.

TBM

Did President Obama Handle the Dr. Dyson Cambridge Police Issue Properly? If you were President How Would You Address Racism in the U.S.?

2009-07-28T11:10:00.005-04:00

Dear Enlightened Brother a/k/a The Black Man -

After witnessing the hubris of the Cambridge Mass Police department press conference, I’m conflicted. Not about the issue regarding the arrest and how ridiculous the arrest was in the first place, but on how to respond to it, as Dr. Dyson said- “A collision between ignorance and amnesia."

Unfortunately, anger is the first to demand my attention, yet giving into that emotion is counter productive. In the Obama Era that we live in-what would you do TBM - as President of the United States?

Would you ignore it in public but stick it to them behind the scenes, or really just let it go? I'm curious, because President Obama stands at the threshold of either bringing focus to the long overlooked and ignored issues in this country or taking the road most traveled - ambivalence.

The Symbol

TBM:

Hi Symbol,

There is a time and place to handle situations. I feel that by President Obama giving his opinion on the matter on a nationwide primetime speech, when there are a bunch of issues that could have been addressed, it was his way of letting the public know that even though he is Black and the President of the United States there are still instances that occur in our society that are racially inflicted. I believe he wanted to make sure the masses knew what happened so it would not get swept under the rug by the media.

I believe he handled it in a good manner. I am sure it will be dealt with more behind the scenes.

It is important to address this issue. If I were the president, I would have addressed it as well especially since it was relevant in current events. For an issue like this to really get addressed you want people to pay attention and be aware of this. Timing is key. This can be handled both overtly and covertly. I would also point out that one person can not fix this problem. It also has to be supported by the communities in the U.S. When these issues occur, we can’t just let them slide. We must do something about it. Report it and let it be known. Bring awareness to the masses. These types of situations anger most people but we don't want to do anything negative to bring ourselves or anyone else around us down. We can choose to use the energy of anger to motivate us into creating a better situation.

“Anger is only one letter short of danger.”

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

I Snooped Through My Friend's E-Mail And Has Not Forgiven Me For It. Why Are Black Men Not Forgiving?

2009-07-27T10:58:00.004-04:00

Dear TBM,

I confessed to reading a male friends email in May. I invaded his privacy and I was 100% wrong. I have asked for his forgiveness many times over and he won't even speak to me. Why is it so hard for a black man to forgive? I am not asking him for anything, I only want to know that he can forgive me. If I had not confessed he would have never known I had been spying on him. I want our friendship to be honest so I came clean. I accept the consequences, but will he ever get over it and forgive me?

--Ms. Wanda

The Blackman:

Hi Ms. Wanda,

First I would like to acknowledge that even though you did an action that was inappropriate but you were honest enough to admit it especially since you could have gotten away with it without saying anything.

I don't feel it is not fair to generalize and say that this circumstance relates to Black men not being able to forgive. Anyone no matter what race, creed, or gender would have a problem with you going through their e-mails without their consent. I am confident to say that there would be many people, that are not Black Men, that would not forgive you for it.

My question is has your friendship not been honest beforehand? It is a bit uncommon for someone that is just "friends" to be snooping through another friends' e-mail.
Usually invading e-mail privacy occurs when someone has feelings for someone or they suspect them of something.

I don't know what information you found out in his e-mails but if it was something really personal, it could take someone some time to forgive someone to forgive a person.

I am avid believer that if two people are true friends, the hands of time will mend things eventually to make things better. Give it some time and space to see what happens.

Good Luck.

TBM

What's Wrong With Our Sisters? Why Can't I Find A Good Black Woman To Date?

2009-07-24T10:44:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

What the hell is wrong with our sisters? I am 45, single, have one grown daughter, and I am Medical Assistant. I constantly get lied to, disrespected, by women that I date. These women love young guys who don't work, sell drugs, abuse them mentally and physically. I am really leaning toward giving up and dating white girls. They don't give us the "bs" that our sisters do! What should I do?

-Greg

The Blackman:

Hi Greg,

It's interesting because I have heard this frustration from both men and women. It's too bad I can't connect everyone that I hear this from.

The first thing I have to say is that you can find the same type of people that can give you that "bs" with any race so if you think that start to date a white women will change up your situation is not necessarily true. Whites, Asians, Latinas, and Indians have the same type of people in their culture that you have been encountering with Black women.

I always suggest if you have a cycle dealing with the type of people you should look within yourself to see why this is happening and why you are attracting these types of people. Sometimes people figure out that source of the problem comes from within them and they it. For example if you are going to the same local clubs to meet women and they don't have the type of woman that you are looking for but you settle for what is there then of course at some point you are not going to be happy. That is the same thing which is happening with the woman you are talking about. They are most likely settling for less than what they want in a man and they may feel lonely and the type of men they don't want give them some attention so they deal with them to fill the void. Men have the tendency to do the same thing. People get in a habit of dealing with what they don't want and when Mr. or Ms. Right is in front of them they either don't realize it or don't know how to deal with them so they lose it.

Be clear with yourself on the type of woman that you want and don' t settle short. If it's a professional woman that you want go to places where you will meet professional women. Break out of the habits of the normal places that you go and expand your reality. You will experience some changes. Also be patient and good women will come your way.

Good Luck

TBM

I Am A Young, Successful, Newlywed Wife That Cheats On My Loving Husband...Why? Please Help.

2009-07-23T11:43:00.004-04:00

Dear TBM,

I am a newly wed (I have been married about two months) and from the outside it seems like I have it all. I am 22 years old. I just graduated college and getting ready to enter law school. I am beautiful,successful, and just bought a new house. You name it, and I've got it; But yet still I am unhappy. I have been to therapy, counseling, etc... I've read self help books, and I meditate. There is still a void which leads to my problem. To fill this void, I tend to seek male attention, and then have affairs. I love my husband, but I can not seem to stop sleeping with other men. I know it's wrong. I know better but I do it anyway. Can you give me some advice on this?

-Candy

The Blackman:

Hi Candy,

I find this interesting scenario because you always hear about the husband cheating on the wife and now you are hearing about the wife cheating on the husband. I am not trying to point you out but wives cheating on husbands is just as commonplace in marriage and it is not because their husband cheated on them.

My first thought is to know what your relationship is with your father is like. Sometimes when a relationship between a father, and daughter is not good and the daughter may feel not accepted by her father, they tend to try to fill that void with other men. So getting attention from men and satisfying them is a common way to try and fill that void. It is only temporary so that is why a woman will go from one man to the next.

Another possibility is timing. You are 22 years old. You are young and perhaps you are just not ready to settle down. You may truly love your husband but you may not be ready for marriage. Women can want to sow their wild oats as well. You just not might not be ready for a commitment.

You should really look into the situation with your husband and ask yourself these questions.. Does he give you enough attention? Does he please you sexually? Does he really make you happy? If all of these answers are yes, then I would say then you may not be ready to be in a committed situation. If the answers are no, then that is the reason why you are trying to fill the void because there are elements missing in your relationship. You would need to figure out if you both could really move forward together and you should be upfront with him about your feelings.

The last thing possibility could be that if this is just a sexual thing. If you are fully content with your husband but you just like to have sex with other people at times then you may want to look at the option of an open marriage. Some couples have a great relationship/marriage but they just like to be physical with other individuals at times. Nothing more than that. Both parties really have to be on the same page for that.

Definitely figure out what it is and be honest with yourself about it. If this happening two months into a marriage this is only going to get worse, cause drama, and people will get their feelings hurt in which one of those people could be you.

Good luck with your situation.

TBM

My Boyfriend Suffers From Erectile Dysfunction.How Do I Handle This?

2009-07-22T11:24:00.005-04:00

Dear TBM,

I just turned 32 years old and I am dating a man that is 47 years old. We have a wonderful, passion-filled, intimate relationship. The only issue in our relationship is that he suffers from Low Testosterone (LowT), which causes a form of Erectile Dysfunction(ED.) He has a hard time getting and maintaining an erection suitable for intercourse. I love this man with all my heart and the only problem is I cannot experience the "BIG O". I am a very sexual person. I do not want to loose this man because of this. Please give me some advice on how to handle this.
-DS

The Black Man:

Hi DS,

It has to be tough for you to go through this especially with someone you love very dearly. I would suggest for him to go to a physician and also sex therapist/counselor. There may be things in his diet that can help him through this.

He may not be eating properly. He should make sure to eat a lot of live green foods. Also he should exercise on a regular basis. That helps produce hormones in your body.

Also something like this can be very mental so going to see a sex therapist can be helpful to break this down and really get to the crux of the matter. His confidence level between the sheets most likely is sub par right now and that needs to be raised (no pun intended).

If none of that is effective then he should check with his physician to see if he is able to take a product like Viagra or Cialis. I would make this last resort is all else fails.

You can also look into some natural herbal supplements that may help as well.

Good Luck.

TBM

How Do I Prove I Am Not A Gold Digger To A Football Player's Mom?

2009-07-20T11:54:00.003-04:00

Hi TBM,

I have been dating this guy For a couple of months. I am actually falling in love with him. He happens to be a professional football player. I really love him for who he is and not because of his profession and his wealth. I am not the "Chicken Head" or "Gold Digger" type of woman. I am just the average outgoing everybody loves kind of woman, that enjoys being happy. Some people, in particular his mother think I am with him because of his money. What can I do to prove to his mother that I am not in it for the money?
-KK

The BlackMan:

Hi KK,

The best for you is just to be yourself. If you are not type of person then in time that will unfold to his mother. If you try too hard to prove that you are not that type of person it may come off the wrong way and can make her continue to think that you are a "Gold Digger".

As you probably already know, mothers are very protective over their sons and don not want being taken advantage of. In the case of you boyfriend it can be very easy because of his profile and some women are out there looking for a "meal ticket" and he is an easy target for that.

Just be patient and be authentic in your thoughts and actions. In time it will reveal to his mother type of woman you are.

Good Luck

TBM

Is There a Way to Change The Negative Images of Blacks In The Media?

2009-07-17T11:44:00.005-04:00

Dear TBM,

How do you feel about how Black people having negative images in the media? Is there anything we can do to fix it?

Sharon Smalls

The Black man:

Hi Sharon Smalls,

I feel that there is a lot of focus on the negative things that happen in the Black community and there is a lack of glorification of the positive things that occur.

There are numerous amounts of great things that happen in communities worldwide that stem from Black people. If you watch television you can feel that a black people only excel in being an athlete, musician (in particular a rapper), or some sort of crime.

Sometimes it is very sad even to turn on a channels such as the Black Entertainment Television and watch these stereotypes. This does not promote any positive images to the younger generation.

As far as changing it, the most important thing is to be accountable of our own actions. That is what you have to most control of. After that you can work on making your community a better place to live in. Even just helping one person can go a long way.

Taking an indifferent stance on this is this worse thing you can do. If you keep watching it is only going to get worse. The more people that do positive things the better it is for our growth and development.

Spending your time blaming "the white man" or any other people for any of these things occurring is wasted energy. You can talk forever about what happened during slavery and all throughout history. It's the past and it does not make sense to live in the past. We need to live in the present. I am not saying that what happened is not messed up but dwelling on it is not going to change anything. You can acknowledge it and move forward.

The work needs to start in the households and in the communities. If self-esteem, Self-worth, confidence, critical thinking, aspiration is implemented there, then whatever images are portrayed in the media will not matter nor affect the Black community.

That's my 99 cents worth.

TBM

If I Ask A Man Out On A First Date Should I Have To Pay?

2009-07-16T10:08:00.007-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I met someone recently that I am attracted to. He has no idea that I like him. Is it okay for me to ask him out on a date? If he accepts should I pay for the date or expect him to pay?

-Lindsay P.

The Blackman:

Hi Lindsay P.,

I feel it is totally acceptable for you to ask a guy out that you are interested in; especially if you have not shown him inkling of interest . You can not expect him to ask you out if he has no idea that you like him. You may lose out on a great opportunity if you don't ask.

As far as paying for the date, you should be prepared to pay for the date. If he chooses to offer at the end that's up to your discretion to let him but since you asked him out you should be willing to pay. Look at it from this perspective, if a man asked you out on a first date and he planned everything out and then asked you to cover the bill you would probably look at him sideways and there would most likely not be a second date.

Good luck,

TBM

Why Do Women I Date Who Are Not Black Try To Act Black?

2009-07-13T11:54:00.003-04:00

Hey TBM,

I want to know why, when I date outside of my race, the females try to act "black".. For example. With one girl I dated when we used to argue, she will start trying to threaten me with child support. but I know if I was not black, she wouldn't say that. When we go on a date, she wants to go where the black people are, but if she was with a guy in her race, she wouldn't want that. Another woman I dated that I thought about living with wanted to like in a horrible neighborhood and I wanted in a good area with few blacks. She was totally against it. I know if I was not black and I chose same area to live in, she would have been fine with it...Why why why? Help me!

-Kelvin

The Blackman:

Hi Kelvin,

I think the best why to resolve this issue is to look into yourself and see the cycle of women that you are dating and look to change that.I don't think that women who are not black that date black men always try to act black. Actually a lot of them don't at all. In your case it just may be the women you are choosing to date.

Child support is not a "black" thing. That happens in every race or culture. It may get publicized more that it occurs in the black culture but it's not a "black" thing. It seems like the women you are dating may be trying to "black" or identify to the "black" culture, and perhaps trying a bit too hard to do so.

If you like dating women of different cultures, then date the ones that are comfortable with themselves,their culture and are compatible to you.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Should I Use a Condom or Not?

2009-07-09T11:20:00.008-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I started dating this woman I get along with very well and is exceptionally beautiful. We just started getting sexually intimate and when I pulled out a condom to use she told me that she doesn't like to use those and that she is on the pill. I proceeded to use one anyway. After the fact she told me that she allergic to them and she doesn't like to use them. She continued in saying that if we are going to have sex the only way is without me using a condom. What should I do?

-Jake

The Blackman:

Hi Jake,

First I would like to acknowledge the fact that you are being responsible in practicing safe sex. A lot of people would have have got caught up in the moment and thought of how beautiful the person is and jumped right in the sack and went bareback

I have heard of some women being allergic of condoms but the way she is giving you ultimatum about not using them makes a red flag go up. She could have let be known that she was "allergic" beforehand.

If you can't have safe sex with her then you should keep it moving. There are other beautiful women out there that are nice in which would fully respect the fact of you wanting to have safe sex. Why risk getting potentially getting a STD or someone pregnant. Be healthy and drama free.

That's my 99 Cents Worth

TBM

I am Married. How Do I Rekindle the Fire In My Sex Life?

2009-07-08T10:28:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am a married woman and I love my husband very much. He is a great man. He treats me like queen and he takes care of the family. The one element that has been missing as of late is the spark in our sex life. We don't do it as much as we use to and when we do it's pretty routine. It's nothing special like it used to be. Can you suggest anything to change this?

-Steph Lover

The Blackman:

Hi Steph Lover,

This is common in some marriages. Between work and taking of the family. Your sex life can be reduce due to more responsibilities and/ or choosing to sleep instead of having sex. Having a family may slow down the spontaneous sex life.

A suggestion is to move it out of your own bedroom. Plan a weekend getaway or even a overnight stay somewhere. It can be good to get outside of your element which can help rekindle the spark. Let the grandparents or someone else take care of the family. Bring the sexy outfits that he likes and tell him to bring what you find to be sexy.

As far as in your own bedroom, it may sound weird but if you are both busy plan in your schedules times where the focal point is you and him. Another thing could be to once and while call him a work and let him know that you can't wait for him to get home and let him know somethings that you would like to him and to be done to you (smile).

Last but most importantly, bring this up to him so it is clear that this is a concern to you. It may be something that he did not realize has changed, and could easily make amendments to make it better.

I hope it works out.

TBM

I Am Not Sure My Girfriend Is The One. What Should I Do?

2009-07-07T10:35:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years and I think that she is a good woman and we get along really well but I am not sure she is the one. I really have no reason to break up with her. What do you think I should do?

-Karl

The Blackman:

Hi Karl,

Before you may decide to make any big decisions I would take the time and write down all of the qualities that you are looking for in a woman that you would consider to be "the one". Be very detailed in creating this list. Include physical, mental, and spiritual attributes. Anything that you feel is important.

Also be clear with yourself which attributes on that list if a woman was missing would be considered a deal breaker for you. If the woman that you are with now is not missing any of those deal breaker qualities then you may really want to consider staying with her. If she us missing some then it may make sense for you to move on.

Sometimes when people are in a relationship with someone for a long period of time the "honeymoon or crush phase" dissolves which make people question if this person is the one. That could possibly be the case in your situation.

A good idea also is to talk to people that you know that have been married for a long time and get their perspective. There are several instances where a couple breaks up and then realize everything they miss and/or qualities they took for granted and then get back together and get married.

Put some thought in this before making a big decision.

Good Luck.

TBM

Should I Do Business With Someone That Romantically Likes Me?

2009-07-01T10:17:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am friends with an older man who has liked me from the beginning. Although I enjoy talking to him, I never reciprocated his feelings. However, I've never been vocal about it. I would brush off his comments and the one chance I had to tell him I didn't feel like he did, I just said that I was "emotionally unavailable." Now we're in a business endeavor together, where we speak regularly for about 2 hours a week. A male friend of mine told me that there's a great likelihood that this business endeavor is this guy's way of getting at me and that I'm entertaining him by doing business with him, knowing he likes me and having never definitely stated my disinterest in anything romantic.How should I proceed? Do I stop doing business with him period?

Thanks, Alicia

The Black Man:

Hi Alicia,

You should make it very clear to him that you are not interested him and you think of him only as a friend. Telling him that you are emotionally unavailable can give him the thought that when you become "emotionally available" that he has a chance. Be direct with him. Do not tippy-toe around the issue.

He may or may not have wanted to do the business venture with you to get "closer" to you and at this point it is irrelevant to try and and figure that out. The important thing is that if you are doing business with him that you make it clear what the roles and boundaries are in your partnership.

Good luck with your venture.

My Man Wants Anal Sex. Should I?

2009-06-30T10:38:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I'm just looking for a little advice. my man wants to have anal sex with me, I've never thought twice about it. i told him and and he says you're knocking it before you even try it just try it once. then he says to me that what i won't do the next woman will, i said when I'm comfortable i might try it. i just don't know what to do I'm also a little scared that it might hurt. for the past week we've been arguing about this issue because he says it's pleasing him and that it would please me too. please help

Thank You,

ANONYMOUS

The Blackman:

Hi Anonymous,

If you love him and you want to please it can't for you to try it once and see how it is. You never know you may enjoy it.

I have to say your man trying to tell you that the next woman will do it for if you wont is a pretty immature statement. It's not productive to throw things in your mates face. It will not enhance any relationship to grow in a positive fashion.

Okay, now back to the question...If you decide to try it there are instructional videos and a lot of literature to look at before doing so. There are even devices that can help get you accustomed to how it will feel that you can use on yourself. If you decide to purchase one get that would be the size of you man's penis. Also purchase some good lubrication that will enable easier penetration.

Don't jump into right into it. Take it slow. You should get yourself in a calm, comfortable mood in order to try it. You don't want to be tense or it will make it more difficult to perform. He should help you to get in that mood. He can do things beforehand that help make you feel good. Make sure he goes easy and not try to have sex with you as if it was vaginal intercourse.

If you try and it is not for you then you don't have to do it anymore and at least you can say you tried it.

Good luck in whatever choice you make.

How Can I Improve My Contribution To The Community?

2009-06-25T11:33:00.004-04:00

Dear TBM,

I have been thinking a lot about my contribution to society and I feel that I have not been as active as I should in my community. I would like to change that. Can you suggest some ways to improve this?

-Tim

The BlackMan:

Hi Tim,

There are numerous ways to change that in your life. There are some many items that need to be addressed in our society from a local, national and global level.
I suggest start off on the local level. Volunteer at a local community center or Church. They should have programs that you can volunteer your time.

Another good thing is to mentor a kid. There are always kids in need for a someone to mentor them. If you google mentoring programs on- line in your area I am confident that you will find a few programs that are looking for people to participate.

Another good idea is to think about something that is dear to you and volunteer. For example, if someone in your family suffers from cancer you may want to volunteer to do a cancer walk or help cancer patients.

There are many places that can use volunteer work. Just figure out what would best suits you.

I hope this helps.

TBM

I Am A 35 Year Old Successful Businesswoman With No Potential Soul Mate and Dreams Of A Family. How Can I Fufill This Dream?

2009-06-24T01:26:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am a successful woman with my own business, has travelled the world and have been enjoying my life to the fullest. As of late I have felt like I am in a place where I am very lonely. I am going on 35 years old. I have no potential soul mate and no children. I have had always had the dream of having a family with the white picket fence. That dreams seems to be fizzling out by the day. Is there anything you can suggest I do about this?

Caitland

The BlackMan:

Hi Caitland,

As tough as it may seem to do I suggest remain patient and put it out in the universe succinctly what you want. I am sure you were probably very candid of what you want out of your business and other facets of your life, you must do the same in your love life. A lot of people neglect to be clear and specific of what you want in you romance life.

Take some time an write out exactly what you want in your soul mate. Be fully open to getting what you want. The biological hands of time may seem like it's not working in your favor but don't get in a desperate mode to find someone just to fulfill to need to have kids. Overall outcome you want for your life happiness so make sure in whatever choice you make you instill that.

Be patient and be fully open to receiving that soul mate in your life and also look at all of the wonderful things that you have done in your life and be grateful for them. Remember happiness is the key.

Good luck in finding your soul mate.

TBM

I am trying to improve my credit. Do you have any suggestions to help make this an efficient progress?

2009-06-23T14:57:00.006-04:00

Dear TBM,

I am trying to improve my credit. I have encountered situations where it has affected my financial growth. Do you have any suggestions to help make this an efficient progress?

-Kate B.

The BlackMan:

Hi Kate B. ,

As you probably know already you credit score can affect you in many ways from obtaining a vehicle, a house, and nowadays even a job. It is important to maintain a good credit score.

I suggest signing up to a site in which you can monitor your credit score like www.mycreditreport.com so you can keep a close eye on your score.

If you have a lot of credit cards. I would pay off a most of them and keep three credit cards. Close the rest. If you have a bunch department store credit cards, get rid of them. They are unnecessary. Thee ones you keep, make sure keep the balances low. The best is 1/3 of your credit balance. High balances appear to creditors as high risk accounts.

I would also look on your report to see if you have any old stuff on there that should be removed. Anything over 7 years can be removed. You can write in a letter to the credit bureaus to take all of the items off or you can pay a professional to do so. You can take a look at www.lexingtonlaw.com for a trustworhty, legtimate entity that can help you. Just like any service provided there are people that try to scam their clients> Be careful and do research on you you choose.

Just make sure to remember if you know you are able to pay for something then don't charge it. This rule can save you a lot of financial burden in the future.

I hope this helps.

A good friend slept with my ex-girfriend that I still have feelings for. How Should I Handle the Situation?

2009-06-22T07:27:00.003-04:00

Dear TBM,

I recently found out a good friend of mine has been sleeping with an ex-girlfriend of mine that it was very clear to him that I still have feelings for her. It is really disappointing to find this out because I really value him as a good friend but I don't feel that I can trust him anymore. What should I do?

-Davey

The Blackman:

Hi Davey,

The one thing that I am not clear on in this situation is does your friend know that you know he slept with your ex-girlfriend or not. If he doesn't then it is a must that you speak to him and have a straight up, heart-to-heart conversation about it. Let him know exactly how you feel about the situation. If you guys are good friends talking it out is a must. It is not justifying what he did. It was an inappropriate gesture on his behalf. You should see what he has to say about it to make a final assessment of the situation. It is tough to regain trust in someone but time does mend wounds. Perhaps it may do so in this circumstance.

Good Luck.

TBM

I Caught My Girlfirend on TV at a Baseball Game kissing another Guy. How should I Handle It?

2009-06-19T00:48:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I was watching a baseball game on television and the camera panned into the stands where I saw my girlfriend kissing another guy at the game. It really has me distraught. I really thought that she loved me. I have not said anything to her about it yet because I am so hurt about it and torn on what to do. How do you think I should handle it.

-Kevin

The BlackMan:

Hi Kevin,

That has to be a tough pill to swallow not only because that was probably the last thing you thought you would see watching the baseball game, but also because how much you care about her. A bruised ego and a broken heart are definitely two negatives. As they say two negatives equal a positive so look at it on the bright side, be glad that you found this out now rather than if you were engaged or married to her. I know that may not sound so positive but it would feel worse.

I would let her know that you saw her and hear what she has to say but as tough as it may be you need to let her go and move onward.

Good Luck.

A close girlfriend of mine is married and I have always suspected that there was some sort of abuse going on from him. What should I do?

2009-06-18T22:59:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

A a very close girlfriend of mine is married and has been really acting strange. She has been getting upset at everyone and acting really irrational about things. When I asked her is everything okay at home she quickly tries to change the topic. I have always suspected that there was some sort of abuse going on from him in their relationship. What should I do?

-Gwen

The Blackman:

Hi Gwen,

You have no conclusive evidence that there is any abuse going on in their household so you can't do anything in regards to that. Some relationships have a total different dynamic behind closed doors so you never know what is going on.

All you can do is be a supportive friend and when she is ready to talk about what it is that is going on she will let you know. In times of distress with friends it is good to acknowledge them and let them know how much you value you them as a friend and let them know you are there for them.

That's my 99 cents worth.

TBM

How do you get over an ex- boyfriend that is persistant on getting back together with you?

2009-06-10T15:46:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I broke up with a guy that I have been with for four years. It's been tough getting over him. He keeps reaching out to me saying that he loves me and and that he will do anything to get me back. I have entertained it and the end result is that he is not taking the necessary action and not showing any type of integrity. He still continues to be persistant about it. What do you suggest that I do?

-Tammy

The Blackman:

Hi Tammy,

Sometimes silence can be the best remedy for circumstances like this. I suggest that you discontinue all communication from him for a while. By entertaining this is, it is making things confusing for you and also for him. You need time to yourself to put your mind at ease and have a clear outlook on everything. Right now you probably have a lot of emotions that are not enabling you to make the proper judgment on the situation.

It's tough to break up with someone that you have that you invested that much time with and you have an attachment to. The key to be committed to having a happy, fulfilling relationship with whomever you are with. If being with him is not providing that then it may be best for you to move on. It will be tough but it will be the best for both of you in the long run.

Good Luck.

I have Great Sexual Chemistry with a Woman But She Is Not the One . What Should I Do?

2009-06-05T10:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been seeing this woman a about a month. We get along fine and we have this dynamic sexual chemistry between us. We both can't resist keeping our hands off of one another. I am looking for a long term relationship and I don't think she is the one. Should I stay with her or just let her go now?

Jeremiah

The Blackman:

Hi Jeremiah,

If you are just "seeing" this woman and there is no commitment and it is clear between both of you that you are able to do your own thing, then you can see this woman and date other people if you choose to do so.

If there is a commitment or you feel that she is growing feelings for you that you are not willing reciprocate then I would discontinue seeing her. You don't want to lead her on in anyway. I f though the sex may be great you don't want to create any drama for yourself.

Good Luck

Do you think it okay for women to be vulnerable?

2009-06-02T15:54:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Do you think it okay for women to be vulnerable in relationships?

Tizrah

The Blackman:

Hi Tizrah,

It is definitely okay for women to be vulnerable. It can actually be sexy at times. When you are in a relationship you are supposed vulnerable with the person that you are with. It should be a gradual process that occur naturally. When a person spills their guts out on the first date that is not such turn on and can actually scare a person away. As times goes on and you are getting to know someone it is a good thing let someone in . A lot of problems arise when a person is not being vulnerable in a relationship. When you don't let someone in and you have so many walls up that can become an issue.

In closing, it is fine to be vulnerable; just do it in moderation.

That's my 99 cents worth.

TBM

A girl I am Dating got Drunk at an event and smacked me. How should I handle this?

2009-06-01T12:42:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I was event an event with this girl that I have been dating for over 6 months. Sometimes when she drinks she tends to act a bit inappropriate. This time she started being extra flirty with some women at that were in attendance and also got belligerent and smacked me in my face for no reason. It took all the restraint in me to not explode. It was also very embarrassing. When she is sober she great and there are no problems. I am at a crossroads on how to deal with this. What should I do?

-Trevor

The Blackman:

Hi Trevor,

There is no reason why she should hit you period. Being drunk does not make it excusable.
She may be a great person while she is sober but if this is something that you have to deal with
every time that you are at an event and she is drinking does not scream out a happy relationship going into the future. I would talk to her about it and see if she is willing to take serious actions to change her ways if you are thinking of still entertaining being with her. I would downgrade her to an "acquaintance"status and not deal with that type of drama in your life.

That is my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

I am white woman that met a a great Black Man. My family will not agree with this. What should I do?

2009-05-20T11:06:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am a white Christian woman who met an amazing black Christian man who believes in God the same way I do. We are what you call, "equally yoked". He is the sweetest, most caring man I have ever met and is everything I have asked God to bring into my life. The only thing is that although I don't see the color, which I think is beautiful, and I see his great big smile, and his tender voice and touch that tells me everything is going to be okay, I am scared of what my family will think. I grew up in the 70's & 80's where racism was still flowing in a small hick town. And I heard the ugly, and nasty comments from my dad that a girl SHOULD NEVER have to hear. I never understood it and did not like it, but was guilty of using the "N" word just because it was "the thing done" in my family. So how do I tell my parents and family if this man is the right one for me? I don't want to be disowned, but at the same time, men like the one I just met only come once in a life time. And I owe him a big apology for my past words I used and should not have.

Thank you for reading my email and I welcome any thing you may have to say to me.

Sincerely,
islandestiny

The Blackman:

Hi Islandestiny,

The is a true example of the phrase "love is blind". God creates love in all colors, shapes, and sizes. It is a wonderful thing that you have found the love of your life. Many people search a lifetime for that and do not succeed in that quest.

It seems like a tough crossroads in introducing your partner to your family but just like you had a breakthrough in love, you may create a breakthrough in resolving the prejudice your family has for black people by doing so. Anyone who genuinely cares about some always wants to see that person happy. If they see the joy that this man brings to your life, it could make a difference in their beliefs. It might not be an easy road to take but it is worth the effort. It may not change their minds but it can't hurt to try.

You may be surprised that some people in your family may feel the same way you do but may not have the courage to act on it because they are afraid of how they will be viewed. That is very common. It is tough because family is important and so is your own happiness.

As far as you using the " N "word when you were younger, that was a example of ignorance and also learned behavior. You may have said it based on just because your family said it and also at the time may have not known the true meaning to it. An apology is fine but your man already knows the type of person that you are. An even better thing is to enlighten someone else about it so they don't do the same thing.

I wish you the best of luck.

TBM

I met an amazing guy and we exchanged information. It's been a week and I have not heard from him. What should I do?

2009-05-18T09:50:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I was at an event the other night and I met a guy that I think is amazing. I thought we really hit it off. We exchanged contact information. It's been a week and I have not hear from him. I would like to contact him but I have a rule of never reaching out to guy first. What should I do?

-Debra

The Blackman:

Hi Debra,

As they say, "Rules are made to be broken". A lot of people subscribe to these type of rules and many have probably missed out on Mr. Or Ms. Right.

I know many women feel that if a guy is really interested that he should make the first move. Sometimes it's not such a bad thing for a woman to make the move, especially if you hit it off like you said. . Give him a call or e-mail him. If you are feeling this guy like that then why play the "waiting game"? Who knows?...The guy may have lost your information by accident and is hoping that you reach out to him.

Ask yourself this: What can you lose by reaching out to him? Nothing but maybe a little bit of your pride.

Go for it.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

My Husband passed away a few years ago. Is it right for me to start dating again?

2009-05-15T14:37:00.007-04:00

Dear Blackman,

My husband passed away a few years ago. I have been by myself since then. Some of my friends are trying to convince me to start getting in the dating circuit again. I miss having companionship in my life. I think about it sometimes but then I feel guilty because I feel like I would be cheating or just not living right. What do you think I should do?

-Carmella

The Blackman:

Hi Carmella,

I know you must in a tough place. Some people have a really tough time about this because they don't want to feel like they are cheating and also don't want other people to think badly of them as well. Like with anything you do in life you have to be ready to make that move. Don't worry about what your friends want you to do, you have to be ready and willing to do what you want to do. In true love you want to person you are with to be happy so your husband is with you in spirit and surely wants you to be happy.

Remember when you took your wedding vows it said " until death do us part" so you don't have to feel guilty about you thinking you'll be cheating because you won't be. If you decide to date, you would not be doing anything wrong. You just have to make sure you do what is right for you. If you have any children and you do decide to date, make sure you have a conversation about it when them so they are not affected in a negative way.

Do what feels right for you and what will make you happy.

Good luck.

TBM

I just graduated from college and can't get a job. I have Loans and debt to pay. What can I do?

2009-05-14T14:31:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I just graduated from college last week and I am in a manic search to find a job. It seems nearly impossible to get one. I have student loans to pay plus other debt. I feel really discouraged. I did not think graduating from college I would be in this position. What Can I do?

-Kenya

The Blackman:

Hi Kenya,

The first thing I would like to say is congratulations on graduating from school. That is an accomplishment worthy of acknowledgment.

The economy is tough but try your best to be calm about the situation and not be in a manic mind frame. When you are calm, you are in a better mind frame to create solutions for any issues that are going on in your life.

I would do some research and find some sites or head hunters that cater to the field of your that you are entering. If you can't find anything in the city that you are in think about the possibility of relocating to another city that may have more opportunities for you.
If you still can't find anything you want to take another job or something part time that is not in your field of work just bring some income in. If you do that make sure to keep looking for something in your field of work so you don't get caught up in the other job. That should be just a short term plan.

As far as your student loans go, you should be able to defer them for at least 6 months so that it can give you some time to get your finances together so you will be ready to make payments on your loan. If you have problem paying your debt make sure to communicate with the entities that you owe money to and try to work something out so that it does not affect your credit. That is important.

Good luck with your job search.

TBM

How can I lose 15 to 20 pounds by the summertime?

2009-05-14T13:31:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Summer will be here in a few weeks. I am not in the shape that I want to be in for the summer. I could shed a good 15 to 20 pounds. What do you suggest that I do make this happen by summertime?

-Danny

The Blackman:

Hi Danny,

I feel the most important thing in losing weight and having the results that you want is to have the vision of what you want to look like in your mind. As they say, " seeing is believing". For example if your goal is to have six pack abs then picture in your mind how you will look with a six pack. Imagine yourself on the beach or even looking at yourself in the mirror and having a six pack. If you have issues doing that, then look for photos in magazines or on line of the picture six pack of abs that you want. Post them up in your room and the office so that you have a constant reminder of it. Just like how people get succumbed to go to McDonald's when they are hungry because every street you may see the Golden Arches every block; the same goes for fitness. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body.

Diet is important as well. Make sure to eat right. Don't starve yourself. Missing meals is not the answer. It's just the kind of meals you eat which are important. Actually is said you can eat several small portioned meals a day. Don't eat a big meal meals too at late night. You should have dinner before sundown if possible.

Make sure to eat a lot of live vegetables and fruits. You can eat carbs and starches but in moderation. Eating healthy snacks are important like almonds, rice cakes, and granola bars.

You have to committed on how you want to look and feel.

Exercise is also paramount. Make sure to create variety in your exercise regiment so you don't get bored and interested. Make it a part of your lifestyle so that there is no excuses of not doing it.

A good magazine to read is Men's Health, which can give you tips on good foods to eat exercises to do.

Good Luck.

TBM

I am dating someone and just found out she is into Bondage and Discipline. I am not. What should I do?

2009-05-12T10:32:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for a few months. She is a great person and we get along really well. Just recently we had sex for the first time. I was thrown back by the experience because she wanted to whip, beat, and dominate her as well as she wanted to dominate me. I tried to do it but it something I am just not into, so I stopped. I never would have expected that from her. I really like her and I don't want this to become demise of us not being together ,but I am not into that stuff at all. How should I handle this?

-Desmond

The Blackman:

Hi Desmond,

I am bit surprised that this came out of nowhere and you had no idea. I say this because usually there is some sort of conversation that is had before you have sex with someone for the first time to get an idea of what the person likes and dislikes during intercourse. Somethings are left to be found out but that is big thing to be left out.

Did you talk to her about it after it happened? It seems like this is something that she really into since she introduced it to you in the bedroom the first time you are having sex. It seems like a case of apples and oranges as far as your sexual preferences are concerned. Unless one person can change their preference, I don't see how both of you will be pleased in the bedroom which sometimes can affect your relationship outside of the bedroom.

This looks like a situation of someone you just keep as a friend and look elsewhere for a romantic interest.

That's my 99 cents worth.
Good luck .

TBM

Do you believe in love at first sight?

2009-05-11T10:10:00.002-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I just met someone and I think that he is the one.

-Angela

The Blackman:

Hi Angela,

I do believe in "love at first sight". I have spoke to several of people who are happily married now and said when they met their spouse the first time, they knew that was the person they were going to marry. I even witnessed it happen with a good friend of mine.

It is all about the energy and connection you feel with someone when you first meet them. For example, when you encounter someone for the first time, you get a vibe off that person right away whether they are shady or a good person. The same can apply for a love interest. When you go on a first date, you can tell if from the beginning if it is going to go somewhere or not.

A great book to read that relates to this topic is "Blink" by Malcom Gladwell.

I hope this helps and good luck with the person that you just met.

I am tired of my job and I am bored with the things I am doing in my personal life. What do you suggest to do?

2009-05-08T14:06:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am tired of my job and I am bored with the things I am doing in my personal life. What do you suggest to do?

-Cara

The Blackman:

Hi Cara,

Sounds like you need all around makeover.

I suggest you make a list of all of the things that inspire you, aspire to do, and enjoy to do. If you see from that list that there is a calling for a career change then start putting it out there to your friends and family of what you to do. They may be able connect you with some people that can help in your career transformation. Also, talk to some head-hunters in that particular career you want to pursue. If you want to stay in the same career you may just need a change of pace. It may just be that you need to find a new company to work for. In either case, do not just get up and leave your current job in this economy. Make sure to have a solid situation and plan intact before making a move.

As far as your personal life goes, start implementing the things that you like to do in your schedule. For example if you like to play tennis put it in your schedule to do it once a week. If there something that you want to learn look up a place where you can take a class on it and register. In anything that you want to do you can find a place to do it where it is inexpensive or even free so don't let finances become a factor. Start creating variety in your life and you will start to feel things shift and you will feel revived. It is important to make time for the things you enjoy to do if you want to live a fun,fulfilling life.

Good Luck and I hope this helps you out.

My Girlfriend keeps taking in more pets. I feel like I am living in Noah's Ark. What should I do?

2009-05-07T10:14:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

My girlfriend is a pet lover and a sucker for abandoned pets. When I first met her she had one cat. During this time I have been with her she has taken in three more cats and a dog. You would think she works at the ASPCA. I really like pets but I don't like to wake up in the morning feeling like I am in Noah's Ark with all of the pets in the the bed and/or in the room. What should I do?

-Roy

The Blackman:

Hi Roy,

I suggest talking to her about it and let her know how you feel about this. If this is a serious relationship and you are really looking at a future with her then you need to be clear where you stand. If not, from the way it sounds you may have so many pets in the house that you really may be living in Noah's Ark. Most couples in serious relationship talk about if they are going to have pets and if so, how many? It's just like how they talk about how many kids they will have. You should do the same. If it is not that serious of a relationship, you still should let her know how you feel or you will become irritated about it . You can at least ask her to compromise and keep the pets out of the room or at least out of the bed when you sleeping. You may also want to think about having her stay over at your place more often if that's possible.

Good Luck.

TBM

This is my Third Marriage and we are not on the same page. Do you think it will work out? Am I doing something wrong?

2009-05-06T10:06:00.008-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I'm married but me and my wife are not on the same accord. She smokes and drinks and I do neither.I go to church and she doesn't. She used to dress up nice and now she doesn't and let herself go. She used to keep her hair together and she let that go as well. Do you think that we'll stay together or not? I am a up and coming actor; do you see me making it as a actor? Also, I am a minister; do you see me with my own church? This is my third time being married. I must be picking the wrong women. I'm not happy with what's going on in my life. Can you please help me out?

-K.A.

The Blackman:

Hi K.A.,

You have pointed out a lot of differences that you and your current wife have. Aside from her keeping herself together before marriage and now letting go now, the other differences I will safely assume you were aware of. If those other differences are major issues to you , then I have to ask why did you choose to marry this woman? I am sure that there are qualities to this woman that you like but you have only pointed the ones you don't seem to like.

I am not a counselor, reader , or a prediction maker so I can't tell you whether I see you marriage working, you making it as an actor, and you having your own church. I can only give advice that I best see fit. For any of these things to happen in your life you have to have the vision of these things to occur. It all stems from you. Actually, it all stems from God carried out through you ,but that is a whole other conversation. As you being a minister you should understand where I am coming from.

As far as you marriage is concerned, I would make a list of the qualities of what you want in a wife. It will be more clearer to you of what you are looking for in a marriage. You can see if your current wife has these qualities. Share them with her as well. You should also find out what she wants in a husband. If there are other issues besides the ones you listed I would suggest you both go see a marriage counselor to see if they can be rectified.

As far as you being an actor and having your own Church, that will take vision, hard work, a good plan, and working that plan. It is all doable but you have to believe in yourself to make it happen. Make sure to tap into any good resources that you have.

Last but most importantly, talk to God about all of these topics. Especially with you being a minister you should understand to let him speak to you and guide you in the path you need to walk on.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Can a man or a woman be in love with more than one person?

2009-05-05T10:18:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Can a man or a woman be in love with more than one person?

-Marty

The Blackman:

Hi Marty,

Interesting question. I don't think that you can be "in love" with more than one person at the same time. You can have love for more than one person at a time but not be in love with more than one person.

One can make the case that someone whom is a polygamist that has several spouses has to be in love with all of them. I don't feel that person is "in love" with every one of the spouses. He can love all of his spouses in a particular way but he is not in love with all of them. Even in that system there is one person who is the main spouse that oversees the rest of the spouses so everyone is technically not equal.

Even when a person is dating multiple people. There is usually one person that he or she hangs out with more frequently then the others and has the most feelings for.

With all of this said, I say that you can truly only be in love with one person at a time.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

My Son's father has been out of his life for 13 years and just started to reach out again. How should I handle this?

2009-05-04T11:24:00.006-04:00

Dear TBM,

After the break up with my ex he stayed completely out of our son's life for 13 years; no contact, phone calls, gifts or support money! I didn't even know the state he was living in. Our son is now 16 years old and has no memories of his father. Then out of the blue his father saw me on facebook a week ago and has been in phone contact with our son as he now lives 9 hours away. My son's father started a new family and has been with the same woman for almost 10 years plus they have a 6 year old son to which he has been there for him since birth.

I never forced the father away from me to cause our breakup. We broke up because he physically abused me, took drugs and had sexual relations with other women while we were living together as a family. This is what forced me to leave him and move back to my home state.. I told my son's father when I moved back home you are always welcomed to see your son even if you don't have money for support or can't visit regularly. Yet the father would only call me when he needed money and even that contact stopped almost 10 years ago.

So my question (And really wanting a man's perspective on this) is now that my son's father is back in the picture and he doesn't want to give me or our son his physical address am I wrong for not pushing him to step up? I HAVE NEVER forced him to pay support nor am I in any dire need but I feel my son was cheated by not having a father and the other son has the full privilege of having a full time daddy. What is your feedback?

Just a footnote... my son expresses to me that he is just confused as why his father would leave him. It's a question I cannot answer and his father isn't clear about it either.

Anonymous

The Blackman:

Hi Anonymous,

There are a lot of possibilities and layers to this.

I feel he is reaching out because he feels bad for not being the father to his son like he should have been from birth.

He probably does not want to give you or his son his new address because his other family may not know of your son or he does not want to bring up any negative past history (i.e. taking drugs, abuse, etc.) and ruin his current situation.

I think asking him to step up and pay for things is a bit premature because he just started reaching out to your son. From the way it sounds, he has not even made a commitment to be in contact with him on a regular basis. If anything just observe and see if he starts to have a fatherly presence in your son's life. If he starts to do so then have a conversation with him about him being serious about this and that he can't just be in one day and out the next. Abandonment can be very harmful to the way kids grow in their lives.

From the way it sounds when you were with your son's father and you gave birth to your son, it seems he was not in a good place spiritually or mentally. For him to have the responsibility of being a father did not help his situation. That does not give him an excuse for not being around or make it right to leave you to take care of your son by yourself at all; but you have too look at things from a positive perspective: If he was around and your son grew up watching his father do drugs and abuse his mother would not be healthy for your son nor for you and his father. None of you may be in the place where you are today.

Don't assume just because he has lives with this other lady and his another son, that he has lived with all of his life, that your son got the short end of the stick. You don't know what goes on under that roof and don't waste your time trying to figure it out. I would just be concerned with continuing to raise your son the best way possible as you have been for the past 16 years.

Let the father/son relationship evolve naturally if it is to develop. Don't force
or make him do anything. Your son is at an age where he can assess the situation so just let the cards play out as they have been dealt.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

My Boyfriend asked to borrow some money from me. Should I lend him the money or not?

2009-05-01T09:44:00.004-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been with my man for over a year. Recently he started facing some financial issues and asked to borrow a few hundred dollars from me. I feel weird giving a man money. I think a man should be the provider when it comes to finances and not the woman. Should I lend him the money or not?

-Margo

The Blackman:

Hi Margo,

I don't see any reason why you should not lend him them the money. I understand that times may be hard these days but a few hundred dollars is not a lot of money. This is not even about the amount of money, it's about principle. I could see you being reluctant if this has occurred numerous of times and if he has not provided anything in the relationship. You did not mention that either one of those things happened ,so I will safely assume that that's not the case. If you were in a tough spot and you needed some money I am sure that you would expect him to lend you money without a blink of an eye.

If you can afford to do it then you should lend it to him. Why should you see someone you care about go through distress if you can help them out. Relationships are a two way street.

That's my 99 cents worth.

TBM

Mother's Day is almost week away and I want to take care of getting my mother her gift this weekend. Do you have any suggestions?

2009-04-30T10:24:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

Mother's Day is almost week away and I want to take care of getting my mother her gift this weekend. Do you have any suggestions?

-Adam

The Blackman:

Hi Adam,

You always have to to make sure to take care of mom (smile).
Most mothers will always accept a lovely plant or bouquet of flowers. Some other good suggestions would be to get her tickets to see a good show or concert. If she likes to read get her a good book. It is always good to read something that is inspiring and that keeps you in a good spirit. A gift certificate to a nice day spa or good massage parlor would be ideal. Mother's need pampering too (smile). Some mothers are very simple and would just like a nice card with some money inside of it. You can also take her to a nice restaurant for dinner.

If you can cook, a great idea would be to cook your mother a nice meal on mother's day. She has cooked for you for a good portion of your life, it would be nice to return the favor once in a while. I am sure she would appreciate that.

The most important thing to do is to acknowledge her and tell her that you love her. Life moves so fast and we tend to forget some of the simple things to do in life. Acknowledgment is one of those things that tends to be forgotten.

I hope this helps you out.

TBM

I promised my boyfriend a threesome when he reaches 30 which is next week. I feel uncomfortable about it. What should I do?

2009-04-29T14:16:00.009-04:00

Dear Blackman,

When I first got together with my boyfriend three years ago I promised him that if we are still together when he reaches 30 that I would do anything that he would want me to do. He is turning 3o next week and we are still together. He wants to have a threesome with me and another woman. I don't feel comfortable doing that but I want to honor the promise I made. What should I do?

-Jilly

The Blackman:

Hi Jilly,

If you feel uncomfortable having the threesome let him know and either give him a counter offer of something else he likes or ask him to decide on something different. If he is not giving you any slack on this then you may have to get creative and have you, him, and a blow up female doll be the threesome. Tecnically, you honored the bet. (smile)

On a serious note, it may come with some restraint but he will probably change up the request. Just keep in mind if he ever promises you something like this and it is something he feels uncomfortable doing that you cut him some slack on it as well. If it becomes in you comfort zone in the next week and decide to do it then you can throw all of this advice out the window.

Good luck and let me know how it goes. I am sure some off my readers will be curious. (smile)

TBM

Why is it so hard for people to just let me be where I'm at? And why does it bother everyone so much that I am single?

2009-04-28T15:15:00.001-04:00

Dear Black Man,

I got out of a serious relationship over 2 years ago, and I have been more or less single since then. My friends, on the other hand, have all either gotten married or entered into serious relationships. This leaves me as the sole singleton amongst them. For the most part I don't mind being single for this long, especially because I have been using the time to work on me and to really figure some things out. But Ive had a hard time with it when it comes to my friends. Sometimes I feel like the other woman, like they can hang out with me when they are taking time away from their relationships but I am always excluded from events when couples are involved. A few weeks ago I wasn't invited to a picnic that one of my closest friends was having because everyone was bringing their significant others. I cant lie and say this doesn't hurt my feelings. The other night a friend of mine practically yelled at me for not wanting to date. So why am I still single? Well, for one I haven't met anyone that I like. Its not like men are throwing themselves at me. Plus, right now I have some issues that I am working out, which leaves me with not a lot to offer anyone. So my question is this: Why is it so hard for people to just let me be where I'm at? And why does it bother everyone so much that I am single?

Selma

The Blackman:

Hi Selma,

I feel that it's great that you acknowledged that you have work to do on yourself and you are taking the time to do so. A lot of people don't do that which has them continually going through the same cycles of events that they don't want to experience anymore.

Usually your friends want to see you happy so they are probably doing some of these things just because they care about you. It was unnecessary for your friend to yell at you. The best thing for your friend to do is to be supportive in your decisions.

As far as your friend not inviting you to the picnic, I have noticed in most cases married people tend to do things mostly with other married people or couples. I know it may be tough but I would not take it personal. If the person is a really close friend then talk to him or her about it. That person may not realize that they are excluding you like that.

Continue to work on the things that you feel you need to work on and you will be able to offer and receive what you want in a relationship, when you are ready. Take your time and be open to everything that you want in your life and things come into fruition for you. Patience is the key.

Good Luck.

Since women make big deal out of getting a nice engagement ring, is it wrong for men to make a big deal aboutgetting the type of wedding band we want?

2009-04-24T11:12:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I recently got engaged to my fiancee. I went through the the whole process of getting advice from her friends, going ring shopping with them, and picking out the exact ring my fiancee wanted. It wasn't cheap but as they say, "there is no price on love".
I like to wear a lot of jewelery. For my wedding band I want something nice; not just the classic gold or silver plain band. I want something that compliments me. Just like how I went through the process of getting my finacee her ring I would like for her to do the same for me with for my wedding band. getting Since women make a big deal out of getting a nice engagement ring, is it wrong for men to make a big deal about getting the type of wedding band we want?

-Terrell

The Blackman:

Hi Terrell,

I don't see anything wrong at all for a man to get the wedding band they want. Some women make the case that their ring is something that they are going to wear for the rest of their lives so it should be nice and exactly what they want. Men have to wear their band for a lifetime also so it should be something that they like as well.

I have seen some men with some "blinged" out wedding bands. I don't know if their wife got it for them or not (I would imagine they did), but if that is what you want I don't feel it is wrong to ask for it. Keep in mind if you partner can't afford that then you can't expect something really expensive from her. Women, be mindful of that as well . (You can always upgrade!)

In closing I will say this: For men and women these rings do have symbolism is your relationship with one another but don't let rings consume your relationship. If you do let them do so then you don't really understand the symbolism of them, and the real value of a relationship between a man and a woman.

That's my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

My Boss' personal hygiene is offensive. I feel weird approaching her about it. What Should I do?

2009-04-23T14:10:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have a really great boss. I have worked under her for a little over a year now. She is an exceptional woman. We have a great working relationship. The only issue is that her personal hygiene can be a bit offensive. I have had heard people make comments about her body odor. I feel weird about approaching her about it. What should I do?

-Terry

The Blackman:

Hi Terry,

This can be a tough situation for some people to explain to a friend nonetheless your boss.

If you have a good relationship with your boss you should tell her. It may seem difficult and it could be a bit risky because you don't want to feel in jeopardy of losing your job but you should do it.

You should sit her down and just be authentic and upfront with her about it. First tell her that you appreciate and respect her not only as your boss but also as a person. Then let her know what you are about to tell her is really uncomfortable for you to discuss with her but you feel it's necessary to do so. Proceed to tell her that at times her body odor comes off a bit offensive. You can add that that you have overheard some people talk about it (refrain from name dropping) and that you don't want to people to have a bad reputation of her.

Hopefully she'll understand and take your advice in good stride. Even if she gets upset, in the end she will respect you for your courage in approaching her about it.

Good Luck.

TBM

I am ready to take the next step to propose to my Girlfriend...Can you suggest a good way to do it?

2009-04-22T10:38:00.006-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I have been reading your blog for a while and I just want to say thank you for the insight that you bring. It has opened my way of thinking a lot. From reading all the issues that people have as well as witnessing what some of my friends are going though in their relationships; it made me realize how much I take my girlfriend for granted. I am lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life that I love very much. I have decided that I am ready to take that next step and propose to her. Can you suggest a good way to do it?

-Kendall

The Blackman:

Hi Kendall,

First I would like to say thank you for reading my blog column and I am glad to hear that it has given you insight.

Congrats on your being ready to take the next with you girlfriend/wife -to- be. That is a big step and it is something you should be 100 percent ready to do and not rush into it .

As far as proposing, I feel the best way to do it is to really catch the woman off-guard. That makes it a better surprise. Sometimes guys do it a bit too cliche-ish and the woman smells it from a mile away. Also stay away from creating an argument with her and then popping the question right after. Women have caught onto that one as well. It can be somewhere sentimental but subtle. You just have to think of somewhere which would be off the radar to her. You can possibly do it in a setting that is a normal daily routine for you both you so she will be clueless. Just put some thought and creativity to it and you will figure it out.

Good luck.

TBM

I am getting married this year and want to have an economincal wedding during this recession. Any suggestions?

2009-04-21T12:20:00.005-04:00

Dear Blackman,

I am getting married this year and with this recession I am trying to find a way to have a wedding that is economical. Any suggestions?

-Brett

The Black Man

Hey Brett,

There are ways to definitely have an economical wedding. The most crucial part of it is for both you and your fiancee have to be on the same page with doing this.

The first thing is to keep a minimal list of invites. With a lot of weddings it becomes your parents of family's day, and not yours. They want everyone and their mother to come in which increases you costs. Agree on a number and stick to it! Some people may be upset that they were not invited but they will get over it. You rather be debt free than trying to please every single person. These people are not paying your bills. Granted your wedding is a special day but it's one day out of lifetime that you plan to spend with this person so there should be more days than this to look forward to.

Another idea can be to have a small, intimate wedding and then a have a big reception somewhere. If you just have immediate family for the ceremony and then have a reception in a hall then that can cut your costs. You are not paying for dinner and open bar for everyone which becomes extremely costly. In some halls you may be able to purchase your own liquor which can be great because you can go to a wholesale liquor distributor and purchase the liquor at cost. You also may be able to hire your own caterer which will help as well. At the reception you can invite any and everyone.

I also read a good article on Black Enterprise's website about this. Here's the link:
http://www.blackenterprise.com/blogs/2009/04/17/how-to-plan-a-wedding-during-a-recession/

Remember to work within your budget , use your resources, and be ingenious and you can have a fun and exciting wedding.

Good luck.

TBM

My Friend with Benefits is having issues keeping an erection, Am I not Desirable or is it because he is overweight?

2009-04-20T10:45:00.003-04:00

Hello TBM,

I have been seeing a gentleman off and on for about a year. We have a "Friends with Benefits" type of relationship. There has been a couple of times where after foreplay, he was unable to keep up his erection. There were a few instances were if he couldn't "get it in" right away ( I meant the minute he puts the condom on ) he losses his erection but for the majority of the time we are able to have intercourse. One night we were just about to have intercourse and he lost his erection in seconds. I tried a few things and he still couldn't get it up. He even had me hold his penis so tight I thought I was going to strangle it. That night I felt bad for him and I could tell he was disappointed. He apologized so many times that night. I am wondering if the fire is burning out between us? Am I not desirable to him anymore? The other issue is that he is overweight and I am wondering if that has anything to do with it.

Nubian

The Blackman:

Hi Nubian,

There are a couple of possibilities to consider:

Do you guys always use condoms.? Some guys do not like condoms and don't keep an erection with them.

Do you know if he stressed out or about anything major?. Even though sex can a good release of stress, if there is something that is going on in his life that is overwhelming which could prevent him to focus on the more pleasurable aspects of life. Stress over finances, career and depression can make it difficult for a male to maintain an erection.
If he is overweight perhaps it could be something in his diet that is lacking. Exercising and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can definitely help. Certain foods can help in a Male's sexual potency.Green vegetables, root vegetables, garlic, soybeans, walnuts, granola, oatmeal and fruits are all good. All foods rich in L-Argenine can help resolve the issue. Maybe suggest that he include this in his diet.

You can also suggest to take herbal supplements such as Saw Palmetto, Horny goat weed, Siberian Ginseng, Sarsaparilla. These have no side effects.

I would not worry about you being less desirable. It seems like more of a mental item he needs to overcome.

I hope this helps.

TBM